Today will be one of the few days I have left to be by myself, do the things that I like and just enjoy life as it is. Problem with me is that when my mind is idle, it starts wandering away to many differing thoughts – why certain things happen to me, why life is the way it is and how do I go about adapting and changing to these incidents. It is no different now that it is then.
The closure of my previous journal was due to some problem which in part was a mistake of mine. I should have cut things off cleanly many months ago. However, for a promise I made and for the sake of honour, I never did so. I allowed the wound to fester into a pain, a sore which should have never been there in the first place. Someone once told me a long time ago that cutting things off is hard. “If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. When you do cut off, you should cut off cleanly. No point staying together as other things when all it does is bring back memories of things that should have been, of the pain that had been.” I should have listened to him then. In fact, I should have listened to many people instead of striving to stay true to my word. Staying together was causing me hurt. Lingering there was bringing me nothing but pain. I should have left ages ago.
“If you keep together more than you should, it will cause you more pain. It will take you longer to let go. And when you do let go, there will be this strong enduring pain that will take you longer to heal.”
In more ways than one, today’s happenings served one purpose – to help me discover that some things are better left unsaid, better left unexplained, better left ignored and better left alone. I explained myself today, stating that I had nothing to do with the previous incidents that occured and somehow instead of clarifying the matter on the other end, this person ended up sounding all – as someone put it to me – “arrogant” and well…as if it was my fault to begin with in the first place. It was after reading the words written by this person did I realize that nothing I say will ever be accepted at face-value, so I should stop trying. I should stop trying to fix things when the things itself do not want to be fixed. I should stop trying when the other person doesn’t want to give a damn at all.
Psychology and human behaviour will always demand that I am the one at fault in this person’s perspective and vice versa – him being at fault in my eyes. Human behaviour and ego will demand it that when one is guilty of something, one tries their best to shift blame to someone else. Life will demand it that when one is happy, those who are unhappy will try their best to trample on the happy one. It is the nature of man and it will always be the nature of man. The only way around it? There isn’t. However there are ways to adapt to this.
(( DAMN! CSI is starting right now! >ASSUME NOTHING…
I somehow am able to look back at things that have gone on today and not care as much as I would have yesterday and a few months back. Perhaps it is because part of me just stopped expecting anything different other than what has been happening on and on. Perhaps it is because part of me just started caring less. Whatever it is, it is high time to move on. I know I have said it many times over and over again. I know I have broken it down to “I am trying…it isn’t easy”…and yet, in me, I can feel the difference only now. I suppose it is because I am finally beginning to let go of the things that I should have many months ago. It will come slowly, but at least it has come – for me.
Isn’t it good to have realize things now than never realize them at all?