Of lately, we have seen a spike in the number of cases related to teenage pregnancies and baby dumping in Malaysia. Just a few days back, a teenage couple became the first in the country to be charged with baby dumping. While the police are quick to blame porn and some outlets of society the failing Malaysian education society, I believe that the problem is multi-faceted and that parents should step up and take a different approach to sex education.

The traditional and long-standing approach to sex education was always technical and more about the bird and the bees. Mothers tackle the mechanics like ovulation and menstruation, fathers of masturbation and the morning erection, later about birth control in our schools in Biology and Science classes but often avoid the ‘what happens wha penis meets a vagina, falls in love and decides to get together’. What happens the morning after? What about love, marriage, one night stands, virginity, homosexuality, pregnancies and so forth? What do you do if your partner doesn’t want to use a condom?

Sex was always preached as “only for married people” and once you were married, all talk of sex behind closed doors went, well, out the window. It is no wonder that young people grow up frustrated and confused. I was lucky that while my parents were traditionalists (”sex only after marriage” camp), my dad took the initiative to talk about sex-related issues because of one reason and one reason alone – “the world she (that is me) lives in now is no longer the same world I lived in”. He moved along with the times, showing that he can adapt to the changing needs of parenthood and so should all parents of all generations.

The world we live in now is no longer the same as the ones we grew up in. Our children will face a different future and different challenges. It is our responsibility not anyone elses or the Government to ensure that we change with the times and that we arm our children with the ability to handle such changes as God-fearing, law abiding citizens with wisdom and character.

While religion offered the “your body is a temple of God and should be reserved for your future partner” (I respect that), some churches actually go all out to talk about prevailing issues on sexuality in relations to religion like pornography, peer pressure, and homosexuality. There is no “porn is bad coz God says sex out of marriage is bad” – I should know as I attended a few of these myself. The aim is not to encourage either but to educate children and allow them to be equipped with some form of knowledge and foundation to the choices (future or present) that they make/go on to make/have made in life.

One of the reasons why I’m not a big advocate of handing full-time care to your child off to someone like your parents or in-laws (typical of our culture) is because it sets the trend and allows parents to be lulled into a false sense of responsibility and ultimately, the habit of passing the buck around. As children reach school going age, the same parents think that the school (and teachers) should teach their children about morals, godliness, and so forth. Then when children reach university, they think that lecturers should continue on where the school and teachers have left off. But the education industry is not a washing machine whereby you put in dirty laundry/children in the morning and expect clean clothes and children in the afternoon. Parenthood is more than just providing a roof over one’s child’s head, food on the table and a degree. It is about passing on a good value system and this can only be achieved by pro-active involvement.

In other words, you have to discuss current sex-related issues with your child whether you like it or not. Gone are the days when parents can get away with descriptions of seeds in flower pots and hoses. Children these days are intelligent and discerning. If they can’t get educated at home, they’ll look somewhere else and chances are, that somewhere else (be it porn, popular media, friends, experimentation) will leave a lasting if not nasty impression.

Being a parent is more than just getting pregnant and giving birth; it is more than just buying your kids fancy toys or sending them to fancy schools. It is about moulding your child to the best of your abilities. That old adage of how children are a reflection of their parents is partly true – it is not a reflection of the parent’s personality but of their involvement and commitment to their own flesh and blood.

A more concised version can be viewed here but otherwise, here is the unedited version:

Dear editor,

I read with interest your article on “Porn a major reason behind baby dumping, say cops” (link here) and would like to share my observations as a former tertiary educator.

Blaming porn for increasing rates of baby dumping and other sex-related ills such as teenage pregnancy is just a short-term solution which at best screams of ignorance. There are a lot of people out there who have access to porn yet do not go through teenage pregnancies or baby dumping. The key is not in micromanaging our children’s lives but educating them to the best of our abilities.

Many young people want and choose to have sex out of love or curiosity – there is no harm in that as they are merely doing what comes naturally. Please do not blame the so-called corrupt West – our neighbour Japan is a large and long-time producer of porn in Asia. Love and sexuality exist in all cultures and communities. However, when teens have sex and are ignorant of the consequences, it is a deadly mix. Excuses like “that one time won’t get me pregnant” or “a condom makes things feel different” is common among teens and these reasons should be looked into closely by both the government and parents.

We need to stop heaping majority of our parental responsibility onto the education system and start taking initiative to teach our children not to just about the birds and the bees but also the emotional aspects of a sexually active lifestyle. We should allow our children to choose the path they take in life and ensure that at the same time they do so responsibly. Our roles as parents encompasses more than just providing a roof over our children’s heads, food on their table and a degree in their achiever’s belt. It means spending time knowing our children and moulding them to be God-fearing, law-abiding, wise and street-smart people who will go on to pass these values to their own children. This can only be achieved by spending more quality time with them and not handing their care (spiritually, mentally and emotionally) off to someone else like a maid.

Our Education Ministry should look into sex education in a more complete manner. Sex is more than just biology. It is an act that encompasses all facets of a human being – mentally, socially, emotionally and even religiously. Instead of adopting one firm stand – that abstinence is the law – the Ministry should address other issues such as what happens if someone chooses to have sex, how to teach girls to stand up and say “Wear a condom if you love me” instead of giving it to their partners and so forth. I have seen many cases in colleges and universities whereby girls have sex because they think it’s the only way to garner love and they have unprotected sex at the insistence of their male partners. They don’t know how to insist for their right or do not feel that it’s important to take care of their own bodies first.

Also, studies into the abstinence program in the US have discovered loopholes in the system mainly that when these teens do eventually have sex, they do not practice safe sex and the matter of keeping the rate of teenage pregnancies in the US is back to square one again. This is something we need to change and change fast. Teachers who teach sex education should talk more about the biological aspect but also discuss prevailing issues related to sexuality and love. Gone are the days when it’s just a simple matter of the birds and the bees. We are not talking about toddlers or young children but teenagers with raging hormones and a smart mind.

Blaming porn or anything else is not the solution. Being more proactive and open-minded is.

en

Every time a Malaysian politician or minister opens his/her mouth, I cringe, and that’s the mildest reaction I usually give. Most of the time, I get annoyed or worse, angry. So when Federal Territories and Urban Well-Being Minister, Datuk Raja Nong Chik Raja Zainal Abidin was quoted in a national daily telling people that RM3K a month is manageable for folks living in the city, my reaction was, well, less than pleased.

While he had a point in that people should cut back on overhead costs, he ignored one clear fact – that the cost of living is high for the average working class folk. He has no idea what these people go through because, well, he earns a comfortable salary, has a driver drive him to work (and other places), dines out regularly, lives in a big bungalow in a fancy neighbour, has a maid do his cleaning-laundry-etc and probably travels regularly as well as spends on branded items.

It’s easy for people like him to sweep away complaints by others who are less fortunate. It’s easy for him to tell people to take the public transport and drive when he has probably never taken the bus or MRT in the last few years. It is easy for him to tell people that the cost of living is not so high compared to foreign cities but has he lived in some of the most “expensive” cities in the world? I don’t think so.

So really dear Datuk…before you go around telling people that RM3K is manageable – one can only hope that you don’t mean the family unit, especially those with children – I dare you (yes, you read it right) to live the life of a working class man who has to support his family on one salary for just a month. Then come back and tell the good folks of Malaysia that we shouldn’t complain about how hard it is to stretch our ringgits and cents.

Needless to say, my complaint made it to the national daily’s opinion desk. They published a cut version of it here but here’s the full, unedited piece:

Dear Editor,

After reading your recent report on the rising cost of living in Malaysia and subsequent remark made by Datuk Raja Nong Chik Raja Zainal Abidin, I must clarify several matters for the Datuk.

I have lived in Australia, Switzerland, spent a lot of my time in France and am now staying in Singapore. Of these four countries, Switzerland has one of the highest cost of living. A kilo of meat can go up to CHF80 (RM200 – I’m using RM3 = CHF1 as an exchange rate), unleaded fuel is about CHF2.60 (RM7.80) per liter, and cars, well, I didn’t even bother to take note of them since they are pricey. Rental for a two bedroom apartment about 800 sqm is CHF1200 (RM3600) and our bills (electricity, gas, water, sewage, trash, municipal taxes, telephone, Internet) can easily hit CHF500 (RM1500) per month. A lot of people back at home are shocked, yet my husband and I can survive and even save on a single person’s salary despite the taxes and insurance premiums (which are compulsory even for foreigners). This is because his salary matches the cost of living and is reviewed for any adjustments each year.

Dollar for dollar, living standards in Malaysia have increased. In the two years since I left Malaysia, a work blouse from the same store has gone from RM50 to RM110, shoes have gone from RM30-40 to RM80 and my breakfast serving of noodles have went up from RM3.50 to RM4.50. Almost everything has gone up by double except salaries. People are still earning the same amount and honestly, the spending power has gone down. You need more to buy something these days.

Have Ministers and politicians stop to think about the regular working class and their expenses and wages? Can RM3000 sustain a family with a housing loan, bills and maybe a car loan to pay off? The regular Malaysian has to drive because public transportation in Malaysia is just not reliable and doesn’t service many areas. A cheap car loan can easily reduce one’s income by RM200-500. Lets not talk about housing matters like rental or a mortgage. People need to eat and I do agree with many – the price of groceries have gone up.

Before anyone can tell people to live on RM3000 especially families on a single income, please take a step back. If possible, trade your Mercedes, your big bungalow, your cushy five figure salary, your maid(s), your posh meals for a month of living in a rented home – sometimes room – with an old secondhand Kancil or maybe even an old Honda Suzuki and no maid(s) with plenty of home cooked meals and leftovers for the next day.

Don’t just be quick to say that people should cut back on “overhead” costs because I dare say that for a good many of us, we are already living on the bare necessities. Only people with deep pockets and wide waistlines can afford luxuries these days in Malaysia. The rest of us are just scrapping by.

Today during lunch as I was queuing to pay for some cheeses (I bought feta and Boursin garlic cream cheese for Nil as well as Edam block for Eva – my grocery shopping is now done during lunch hour in between eating and catching up on reviews and Asbestos cancer research materials), suddenly a woman shouted from the other cashier line/queue. Naturally, I looked to see what was going on and found myself groaning and shaking my head as this woman berated and shouted at a stocky and tall Caucasian man.

Apparently, he had bumped into her (or something which involved him either stepping on her foot or something) and “they” were squabbling over it. I use double quote marks around the word because she was the one doing most of the squabbling. He tried to walk away a few times but she yelled on the top of her voice at him, causing him to backtrack. For the most part, I could barely hear him but her? Ohboy, EVERYONE heard her. It was then she threw THE line – “Is it because I’m Asian and you’re white?”

I could only imagine the incredulous look at the man’s face. I had groaned outloud when she said that because it had nothing to do with her race at all. It was then that the man’s friend, who was queueing, behind me called for him and offered to pay for his ham. Poor guy looked as black as night. Talk about a crappy day. You go to the store to buy ham and get yelled at by a stranger. On top of that, she accuses you of being a bigot/racist.

The whole drama aside plus the fact that this is perhaps the fifth fight I’ve witnessed since arriving in Singapore, there is one thing I don’t really understand about most people here (Singapore and more so Malaysia). Every little thing has to be race-related even when it isn’t. The matter was a simple thing that could and should have been resolved with an apology by the guy and a forgiving smile/nod by the woman. How did it escalate to screams and a pander of the race card?

When something happens to us, especially a bad thing, why do minorities use race as the first thing to justify the situation even when race was never an issue in the first place? Convenience? Habit? Insecurity issues? “I’m being victimized here because I’m Asian.” “You think you’re so great coz you’re White.” “You bloody angmohs/Chinese/Indians/Malays/etc are all the same.” HUH? This reminded me of the encounter I had a few years ago at Charles de Gaule Airport where Nil was called a racist just because he asked an African woman to stop pushing her luggage trolley into my legs. Everyone around us went “HUH????”. Truly bizarre and something that I’d like to understand further.

In the meantime, I hope that the poor guy’s day got better after that episode with the lady. Talk about bad luck. My colleague suspects she’s probably stressed out or got out of the wrong side of bed. Who knows? With such people these days, who knows?

I usually don’t comment much about the religion as it’s a very personal matter for a lot of people. Besides, I don’t have time to entertain the possible defensive rebuttals I may get from it – busy with spirometers and all. At least that’s how it is in my family. For us, our faith requires no outward appearance, no fireworks or public displays of affection and definitely it doesn’t require a nice big building complete with surround sound and lights to go with it. I’d have been happy with a home to worship in so when I first arrived in Singapore and saw the mega churches here, I felt a little out of place with my peers of the same faith.

Perhaps I’m a simple person but I do wonder if the shopping mall like structure that towers over everything is really necessary. The fact that it’s MEGA makes it so unapproachable; I felt quite turned off at the sight of something so imposing even though it was just a structure. I was reminded of the fact that the house of God need not be a place of wealth or prestige simply because the life now that we have is only temporarily. I never thought much about these mega churches until recently when one such church came under fire (read: investigation) for possible misappropriation of funds.

As I read more and more reports about this church, I felt quite disturbed. A church that invests over $300 million in a shopping complex. A church that dabbles in commercial development. A church that sets up shop literally – opening kindergartens and other forms of businesses. Yet this church did not register a separate business entity. It is supposed fall into the category of charities under laws governing the regulation of religious and charitable institutions.

My beef is more with how the church gets its capital for such commercial endeavours, the purpose of investing millions of money and what is done with the profit. I have read of comments circulating around the Internet that people hired under the umbrella of businesses are providing services to certain members of the church and people have asked – who pays the salaries for these people? If the money comes from church members, why are they not allowed to attend general meetings? In the first place, why is a church segregating its members into “ordinary” and “executive”?

While people are calling for more transparency, I for one thing would like to ask where in the Bible did it say that it was okay for churches to dabble in commercial enterprises under the guise of “expansion” – please, do you really need a $300 million dollar stake in Suntec City to give your members space to worship and such? Would your worship sessions be any less worship to God if you didn’t have the concert lights and surround sound?

Call me a traditionalist but I feel that money, just like politics, cannot fare well in a marriage with religion. History has shown us that. So why are we repeating the same mistakes again?

More info here:
- City Harvest Church under investigation
- When business and religion mix
- Ordinary members ‘have no right to attend general meetings’
- Lights, lasers and a top sound system … not for a concert but church services
- Tighter reins or separate rules for religious charities?
- Details could not be disclosed, says church
- City Harvest Church responds to questions over non-disclosure of Suntec deal

Who do we blame for the tragic death of a young girl?

You see, one of the hot topics circulating around on Facebook a while back (yes, I’m on Facebook despite the full plate of work, noxycut reviews and Eva) was the death of a student in a car accident. What made it “hot” was the fact that her accident was the cause of the lack of civic consciousness displayed by BHP, an oil & gas company that also runs service stations.

The girl was trapped in her car after being caught in a three-car accident along one of the highways in Kuala Lumpur in the wee hours of the morning and a passerby had stop to see if he could lend a helping hand. When he saw sparks coming from under the car, he rushed to the nearest service station about 500m away in search of a fire extinguisher. He found four that were under lock and key, offered his IC as a deposit for one of them and got rejected. He pleaded, begged and perhaps even threatened but the two attendants were firm – they would not loan him one. The passerby returned to the scene, helpless and unable to do anything. The girl burn to death.

According to police, she would have been saved had someone been able to find a fire extinguisher. Many people were outraged over the fact that there were four fire extinguishers yet the attendants were “heartless” and by the book. BHP GM came out all apologetic but maintained that his company policy and his attendants actions were right given the situation.

*sigh*

In France, the two attendants would have been dragged to the police station and charged with failing to help, resulting in death. In Malaysia, they don’t even have to apologise. What was even tragic about the entire situation is the GM’s cavalier attitude towards his company’s policy. The loss of a fire extinguisher was more important than a girl’s life. How much would it have cost his company to replace that fire extinguisher (they should be replaced regularly)?

While I can understand that the attendants are merely following company policy, I feel that there are instances where you just have to say “To hell” with company policy and exercise a little humanity. They could have followed him, they could have taken his IC as a deposit – apparently he even offered his entire wallet but that’s just an allegation. But no, they choose to stick by the books and someone had to die for that. Was it worth it?

Now, going back to the fire extinguisher, do we carry fire extinguishers in our cars? We should. Had the passerby placed one in his car, he wouldn’t have to put up with the service station attendants. He could have saved the girl himself or at least buy her some time until the firemen and police came. A lot of people mistake the presence of a fire extinguisher in their cars to be useless should they be in an accident – in the case of the girl, it would have been pointless since she was trapped and her car mangled. But what about the passerby and others? They would have been able to help.

That college student’s death was an unnecessary one. I really hope people will wake up from their paranoia or stupor and see that life isn’t all about “I’m going to be robbed if I help someone” or “It won’t happen to me”, learn from this and apply it. If life just goes on and no one learns anything from this, well, that would just be really sad and the girl would have really died for nothing.

More info here:
Student dies after kiosk workers refuse to help
Outrage over fiery death
Dead woman believed to be college student

She has Nil’s face, skin and hair colour but my eyes. Her ears are like my dad’s and her toes are from Nil. Her hair thickness is somewhat like mine when I was a baby and her size is well, similar to a baby me.

Ten months on and she no longer looks like the little baby that came out fresh from the bun. She’s leaner thanks to her mobility (natural baby growth and crawling trumps fat-burners any time!) and I’m even shocked to notice that she’s nearly up to my mid-thighs!!! Yes, Mum is definitely going to be the shortest in the family. Hai.

She has a little bit of each of our personality and a whole lot of her own – stubborn as a mule (like Nil) and an ultra big complainer (like me)…talk about a lethal combination! My, how time has flown and our little one is fast growing up into a toddler.

Two more months and she’ll be ONE years old! Acks. Now if only I could freeze time.

…keeps me busy and I still don’t know whether I like that or not.

LOL!

So what is it that I do from 830am to 530pm on Mondays all the way up till Fridays? I go through tons of emails – mostly about new manuscripts coming in, issues regarding graphics for articles, journal issues that need to go out/addressed/worked on, authors asking for updates on their manuscripts and the likes. It takes about three hours to sort through, reply and organize into their respective folders.

Then I get started on the actual manuscript work – getting scripts booked into the system, sending them over to typesetters or copyeditors, checking them, liasing with authors, putting an issue together, troubleshooting and more emailing! The downside with all this is that I’m not very mobile – you’d think that work would be one of those great fat burners but no, not in my case. Thankgoodness I have my thirst for water to thank for together with my toilet and pumping sessions. The constant walking to refill my water bottle and handling the whole “what goes in must come out” keeps me on the move at least once every hour!

So far, I’m working on just a bi-weekly journal with another production editor but will take on another two journals by end of next week. Chances are I’ll be even busier then so on hindsight, perhaps the whole “boobs deciding to wean” issue (discussed on the baby blog) comes at an opportune moment. We’ll see.

In the meantime, yes, work keeps me busy…to the point where I think I’m beginning to not have the time to blog. Gah!

The last time I went back to Kuala Lumpur, I didn’t really have a chance to go shopping for things and really look at prices. This time, I did. I had to get a few work outfits as well as several pair of shoes, but sad to say, after one outing to the mall, I only walked away with four tops and a damaged wallet (and of course, a work/walkout that is enough to rival any of the top fat burners around). Well, I was expecting the damage to the wallet but not the number of tops I got.

My tops came mostly from PADINI, a place that I used to get a number of my work outfits, shoes and some casual wear. They’ve always had some nice tops that are great for work and the prices then were quite affordable. Then would be the keyword. I got a shock on Friday when I went to check them out. RM110 for a blouse!!!! What the heck happened to paying just RM60-70? Apparently, it was the same in other places and even worse in some stores. In one store, a blouse can hit up to RM160! Gosh.

Dollar to dollar, suddenly living costs in Malaysia have shot up considerably. This was most evident when it came to food, toys and clothing. Of course there are some places you could go to get well-priced outfits but in general, I have come to understand why some people complain about the living costs in Malaysia. We spent RM14 on a breakfast-brunch of paus and a bowl of noodles went for around RM4. Before I go on, you have to understand that even though my salary in Singaporean dollar, I don’t do the whole forex thing when I talk about living costs in a country. This is because you need to factor in the local salaries and from what I understand, Malaysian salaries have not gone up much at all. Also, the thing about forex change is that if you go shopping in a country where its currency is low, of course everything would be cheap for you but that’s not how you should compare living costs/standards.

In fact, if one were to compare the living costs in Singapore versus Malaysia, food, clothing and even kids toys are expensive in Malaysia. The same toy in Singapore which would have cost me SGD35 retails for RM80 plus in Malaysia. The same top in Singapore would go for SGD30-40 but in Malaysia, retails for anywhere between RM50 to RM150. The same pair of pants in Singapore would go for SGD30 but in Malaysia, retails for at least RM60 or more. Food? A plate of chicken rice in Singapore costs SGD2-3 but in Malaysia, can hit up to RM6.

Maybe it’s just me.

Malaysians, do you feel that living costs have gone up?