Well, it takes A LOT of effort to maintain a relationship – both unseen and seen – as well as self-reflection. Self-reflection is important because that’s how we learn more about ourselves and how to tell if we are heading to disaster in our life journey (or not). We are all human and therefore imperfect. We have our up and down days, we have changes coming into our lives and sometimes we change along with it. The key is in communication, teamwork and reflection.

I’ve not been married for very long but I have had the opportunity to think long and hard about my own marriage and how to make it last. Nil and I have gone through a lot and yes, even sometimes to the point where I feel like giving up – not too sure about him though. But we stuck through it all and learn a few of life’s lesson as well. It is lifelong learning process and slow sometimes. Even couples who have been married for long cannot safely say that their marriage is in good shape as anything can happen at any time. For my HB and me, we have changed upon our marriage and then again when Eva came along and we discovered a few things along the way:

Be intimate regularly
Intimacy is not about sex. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that sex is not important. It is but it’s not the only way you can be intimate with your partner. There is physical intimacy like cuddling, kissing, holding hands and there is emotional intimacy. Many cultures around the world speak of the power of a human touch. Notice how children and babies are soothed easily with a hug, a cradle, a smooch and some skin contact. Sometimes when we are down, depressed or just tired, a comforting embrace is all it takes to help pick a person up. Make the effort to reconnect and build some form of intimacy in your life. With a baby, it can be hard but the rewards are worth the effort, especially when you consider that your actions teach your child a thing or two about what to expect when they grow up, start dating and eventually get married. Eva may just be a toddler but her face lights up when she gets a group hug and smooch from my HB and me and especially when she sees us cuddling and smooching. It sets the tone for your child and how they view relationships in the future – that sex and intimacy is key to a healthy relationship. Besides, it’s hard to be and stay angry with someone you hold hands with, kiss or cuddle with.

Emotional intimacy is a lot harder and most of the time, this is the killer in relationships/affairs. Everyone wants to be emotionally connected to someone; a human being is not meant to be a loner – we are social creatures and being in relationships is important. An emotional relationship can stay healthy if we make the effort to communicate and stay in touch with our partners. I don’t mean just talking but sharing your feelings, your thoughts, and so forth. If we begin to share secrets with someone else other than our partners and we’ve never done that before, an alarm should sound in your head.

If you observed, all the fights and affairs is often sprinkled with things like cold wars, silent treatment, withholding sex/affection, etc. So doesn’t that say something about its importance in a marriage?

Laugh together as often as you can and make it a point to have fun, unbridled fun like a child.
Laughing keeps people happy and healthy, not just emotionally but physically. Noticed anything about your child? A happy child is a well-mannered, disciplined and kind child, and consequently, is a joy to be with. Children are easily satisfied with many things and well, their needs are simple/easy to provide. But as we grow older and become more burdened with commitments/responsibilities/issues/problems, we forget how to be happy. And I don’t mean the typical happy that lasts for an hour but I’m talking about true happiness – Christians call it joy. Joy lasts longer than happiness and being constantly joyful is not easy to achieve. Besides, no one wants to hang out with a grouch – it’s emotionally draining.

I always encourage Nil to take some time out and be a child again – do things that makes him happy, be it skiiing, climbing, cracking a lousy joke, playing in a children’s playground, anything! When we were dating, we would spend most of our dates at the children’s playground, on the swings, the seesaw, etc. Those were awesome times and we try to recreate that by spending some time over the weekend for walks, and well, just finding excitement in the little things like a new book that we’ve been waiting, an episode of CSI, etc and so forth – it may look petty but hey, it’s the little things that count sometimes.

Some people may view this negatively, stating that adults should behave like adults but I think they are wrong. There is a little kid in all of us and sometimes it’s good to be a child once again – to feel that unbridled joy in our lives. It is contagious and frankly, I love it. I love watching Nil act silly and have fun like a kid. It makes me happy and I think it makes him happy too.

Understand, accept and play your part – you are in a team
A marriage means you are now part of a team – at first a two-man team and then when you have children, you’ll have more members in that team. Your team DOES NOT include your in-laws or parents. Sorry but that’s now how marriage works.

My apologies to modernist and feminist but in a team, you cannot have two people playing the same role. It is a recipe for disaster. Someone has to play one role and another person the other. This is all the more important when you have a child because how you play your part (and what your role is) sets the stage for your child’s future social development as well as how they grow up emotionally. Mothers and wives need to understand that your role is to care for your spouse and child without compromising on either. You can seek the aid of your spouse but if they have to cook, clean and take care of the baby on top of everything else, why do they need to marry someone? They can always pay for sex or better yet, go for one night stands OR stay with their parents – their mother will do everything for them. No need to get married in the first place. That is just the tip of the iceberg.

Caring for your spouse means taking care of their emotional, social and mental needs. How you do that is by first investing in yourself – be a woman that they are proud to be with, proud to have chosen to marry, and someone they can grow with and help them grow. This brings me to one thing that has always irked me – “I don’t know how to cook/sew/etc”. Women today need to understand that “don’t know how to cook/sew/etc” is not a good enough excuse. It may sound old fashioned but sometimes what is old fashioned may be just the thing that holds a marriage together. There is a saying “A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” – it is true. You don’t have to be a Michelin star chef to be a good cook; you just need your HB’s approval. Besides, homemade food is a lot cheaper and healthier than eating out.

As for the rest, learning to sew and etc, lets just put it this way. We all want our spouses to be productive people. We are proud of them when they can do things, like being a regular handyman, a seamstress, a crafty person and we are all the more proud when people know it and compliment us on our choice of a partner. This goes back to one thing – your spouse needs to be proud to have chosen you as a spouse.

This is not limited to cooking/sewing/hobbies but to lifelong learning. People need to understand that we all need to grow as individuals, and that education is constant. If you’re constantly improving yourself and your skills, don’t you think that it’s something worth being proud of? If you never bother to do anything, do you think your HB would share that with anyone openly? Some people think that what I’m saying is controversial, that it’s sexist but all I’m saying is that PEOPLE should grow, women should not forget their role – it doesn’t mean that I’m advocating that women stay in the kitchen and do nothing else. It just means that I’d like to see people continue growing and learning.

Fathers and husbands need to understand that your role is to be the provider and I don’t mean financially alone but in every sense of the word. A provider is not just someone who makes money and brings the bacon home but also making sure that your family unit is stable and growing. Christians believe and feel that a man’s job in a family unit is that he is the stronghold, the leader, the one guiding the family – that is the job of the provider. It doesn’t mean that women don’t have a say. It just means that if anything goes wrong, the MAN is the one who has to take charge, step in and do his job as a leader/provider and not just ditch everything to the woman. This also means protecting your family against external forces, including your parents. If your parents takes pot shots at your wife, your first impulse should not be to protect your parents but to protect your wife. This is the woman who shares your bed, your home and will give your children. Any smart individual can see that she is the investment you should protect. Of course, we do not mean that you completely ignore your parents – but you need to understand and accept that your responsibility is to step up to the plate and protect your partner. Your family comes first and your parents need to understand that. They need to learn to let go and let you grow and focus on your own family.

When you have children and they take pot shots at your wife, you need to stand firm by your partner. Never allow your child to turn you against your spouse. It undermines your spouse’s authority and sets the stage for future attacks. My father once told me – and I still remember it well – “I will never choose you over your mother. She is my wife and her needs come first even if she is wrong.” And I respect that decision because if I were in my mum’s shoes, I’d feel completely betrayed if Nil were to side anyone else but me. If you must scold your spouse, do it in private and not in front of your child.

Shitty teamwork is when you leave your partner open to attack – we see it all the time in double badminton, in war strategies, etc. Women are often the first target and that’s why men are always told to protect their women and children. So why are men today – husbands and fathers – not doing their job? Perhaps it is because they were not told by their fathers or mothers, perhaps it’s how society sees marriage/relationships today. Who knows? But I have always told Nil – before we got married – that we are a team. If I’m attacked by people and he does nothing, I might as well be single and handle it myself. What’s the point of being with someone if I have to stand up alone?

Remember, men, when you married, you took a vow to protect your wife. Carry that promise out.

…

So yes, this may make it sound old fashioned but really, if old fashioned works, why not?

I was never a baby-fan…or rather, I just wasn’t a baby magnet. When I see babies, I just freeze and sometimes I think they freeze up too. We would look at each other for a minute or two, try to figure each other out and along the way, either one of us would just give up. It’s like going to the cashiers with a boatload of goods and she stops using the barcode scanner, look you in the eye, you look back and well, nothing clicks. The same happens with children.

Overtime, I begin to tell myself that maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother. I look at some of my friends and my cousins, and they handle children so well. Me? Well, I just freeze. So you have to understand that I really felt that motherhood wasn’t me at all. I don’t understand babies, I have my own little problems and well, I just didn’t see myself as a motherly person. Having said that, it didn’t mean that I didn’t want children – of course I want babies. I just wasn’t quite sure of what sort of parent I wanted to be or if I could handled it all.

Then I got married and when we started talking about raising a family, that got me thinking. I wasn’t quite warmed up to children yet so what more babies? We ventured onward into the unknown anyway. I figured along the way that no one person is born ready to tackle babies. Most of the time, it all boils down to experience and since I didn’t have nieces or nephews to practise on, I was left with just one option (which isn’t even an option) – to practise on my own child. Hah.

When I got pregnant, I realized that this was it. No more chances to experiment. So I did the next best thing – I bought books and read up. One of the most memorable things I remember seeing was this – “Women are pregnant for nine months for a reason and one of it is called preparation”. Preparation here doesn’t mean buying a manual and learning to drive with that manual beside you. What it does is that it give you a certain edge in the fact that you have an idea of what you’re doing and not just jumping into the water blindly. Especially important for a person like me who isn’t all that baby-friendly. Nil often teased me whenever we go for my antenatal check-ups because I never seem to have any questions (because I know what’s common and what’s not OR I’d do some read-up on this test and that test, etc).

For a few months, I ruminated over the kind of mother I wanted to be, the things I wanted to teach my child, the things I wanted them to not pick up at first impulse…many things. I started following blogs of parents I wanted to be like and formulate my own parenthood strategy according to what I read/saw or observed. I remember fondly talking about wanting to breastfeed for at least six months, if not a year. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum for the first two years of my child’s life. I wanted them to learn cooking together with me. I wanted to be those mums who are involved in their children’s life without the appearance of a maid (common in these parts of the world). I wanted a lot, I remember. In that sense, I was quite greedy. *grin*

I forgot that sometimes wanting certain things isn’t always the same as getting them.

To be continued…

For most of you who aren’t aware, our little Eva is turning one this Wednesday and my parents decide to show up this weekend for the big occasion plus they wanted more pics to add to their slide show. Kekeke. So they are a few days earlier but no biggie. We didn’t really plan for a big celebration as we don’t really have a lot of kiddie friends (Eva, that is) and most of our family are abroad. This coupled with the fact that we’re not very big on parties was enough for me to just keep it low-key and limited to family – that is my parents and the three of us.

Initially I wanted to make a cutesy cake with cow toppers to celebrate the fact that she was born in the year of the cow/ox. But this week was crazy at work and consequently, I ended up feeling more tired and stressed out than ever. My nights, which were supposed to be dedicated to making Eva’s cake and working on the shop booties were just used for recovery and recuperation, not to mention the daily laundry and cooking. So I ended up with the idea of making a cheesecake – mango flavoured since she likes mangos (and cheese). Bought everything during lunch on Friday, carted it back and started work on it after she went to bed.

My problem started then. My whipped cream had gone bad so I couldn’t use it. I sent Nil out to look for a replacement only to find that none of the sundry shops nearby stocked it (they have cream cheese though – weird). I goggled some recipes and discovered a few that called for milk and thought that it would fine. So after mixing in some cream cheese and milk, I tossed in some gelatine for good measure. I had a nagging feeling that it was going to fail me since I was only familiar with gelatine sheets and not gelatine powder. But I carried on. As I placed the cheesecake in the fridge to chill, I was quite excited to see the outcome.

The next morning, I checked on it. It wasn’t firm enough. After running a knife though, it looked more like thick cream rather than cheesecake. I added more gelatine and chucked the whole thing in the freezer. After breakfast, I went back to check on it and it looked quite firm so hey, why not place it in the fridge? I did so and forgot all about it until earlier this evening. I was utterly disappointed to see that it was just as it was before I added in the extra bit of gelatine. So I had no choice but to give it some freezer treatment as we headed out for dinner.

When we got back, it was time for Eva’s “dessert” so I removed the cake from the freezer. Total disaster struck here. As I removed the pan from the cake, Nil started yelling “QUICK QUICK” and there it was, my cheesecake starting to flow like slow lava onto the kitchen countertop. And the star of the show was waiting in her high chair. Gah.

She ended up finishing a “slice” of super creamy cheesecake with fresh slices of mango. Just goes to show that as long as it tastes good, babies don’t mind a disastrous cake. Am not too sure if it’ll work with toddlers though.

Since turning 10 months or so, she has started becoming more vocal about what she wants, likes or doesn’t like and so forth. At restaurants, she’d grab hold of the menu and start flipping the pages, but sometimes I suspect it’s more because they resemble books and she just LOVES books. That aside, it is slowly dawning on us that our baby is becoming a little adult already.

Gone are the days when she would placidly smile back, and well, it was easy getting her to do things, even regular stuff like just going for evening walks. If she has had enough or is bored, she makes it clear; in fact, she makes it very clear! So recently, I started digging out a book I have on discipline (I put it aside due to my crazy schedule at home with best acne cleanser reviews and crocheting booties) just to see what I can do to make things comfortable for everyone and by comfort, I also mean that she doesn’t go out of bounds by screaming, throwing tantrums and shouting – something which I find common and would like to avoid.

So far, we are still alright on the quiet, calm and polite grounds but I do foresee a quiet storm brewing in the near future. Looks like we have a little opinionated miss on our hands and in a way, I think that is just fine.

She has Nil’s face, skin and hair colour but my eyes. Her ears are like my dad’s and her toes are from Nil. Her hair thickness is somewhat like mine when I was a baby and her size is well, similar to a baby me.

Ten months on and she no longer looks like the little baby that came out fresh from the bun. She’s leaner thanks to her mobility (natural baby growth and crawling trumps fat-burners any time!) and I’m even shocked to notice that she’s nearly up to my mid-thighs!!! Yes, Mum is definitely going to be the shortest in the family. Hai.

She has a little bit of each of our personality and a whole lot of her own – stubborn as a mule (like Nil) and an ultra big complainer (like me)…talk about a lethal combination! My, how time has flown and our little one is fast growing up into a toddler.

Two more months and she’ll be ONE years old! Acks. Now if only I could freeze time.

Did you know that we’re this close to Eva’s first birthday????

Amidst all the assignments (eczema treatment and fat burners are pretty popular topics for my blog – do you know why?), work and trying to relax, I suddenly realized that we are two months away from someone turning the big one year old! While many mums have started planning big bashes and such, this mum is sort of taking it easy by keeping things a little quiet and well, slow-going.

Of course there’ll be a cake but I haven’t really given it much thought and while my parents have planned to be around during the weekend of her birthday, I guess it’ll just be us and a cake. Talk about ultra small and low-key.

Will this set the tone for many other birthdays to come? We’ll see but for now, I think small and low-key is just fine.

Now, nearly three years later, as I listen to this song again during my journey to work, I’m gently reminded of the feelings the song evoked, why I chose it and more specifically/importantly, how far my marriage has come and has to continue on. It’s uplifting and well, meaningful, and so I’m sharing the lyrics with you. You can listen to a sample of it here and then there is Youtube. *winks*

When God Made You by Newsong and Natalie Grant

It’s always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when He created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I’ll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I’ll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
So gone are all my questions about why

Oh I wonder what God was thinking when He created you,
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must’ve been thinking about me.

He made the sun, He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can’t do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know its true,
Your for me and i’m for you and my world
Just cant be right without you in my life

He must have heard every prayer I’ve been praying
He must’ve knew everything I would need
When God made you, He must’ve been thinking about me.

Not me.

After a week of getting up at 630am and sleeping at close to midnight, I seriously need the sleep. O’well, since she’s awake, I guess I might as well stay awake. So I did a quick mop of the place, a simple clean-up, prepared my own breakfast before taking her out off the crib to just hang out on the floor with me.

The week has been quite warm and today is of no exception. Maybe it’s the weather or just her teething mood, but our little miss is still babbly hours later and dying for some hugs, playtime and so forth. So it looks to be an Eva-filled day for me. So much for sleeping in as many singletons (married or otherwise) would claim that I have. Pfft.

Thanks to your votes, we came in a cool SECOND place and won an outdoor photo package from Pink Elephant Labs here in Singapore, in addition to a gift hamper worth more than $150 from Pupsik Studio!!!

Quite timely as well since I was planning on getting some shots done for Eva. Can you believe that we haven’t had a family portrait since…forever?

Anyway, my thanks to all who voted and I’ll definitely post up the pics one we get around to it!

** Cross-posted on the baby blog **

A little birdie today told me that someone is already 9 months old!

She spent the same amount of time in my womb, swimming, kicking, gurgling and just being her little self and upon her delivery, has changed a lot before my eyes. From a sleepy and half-babbling baby to a now active, mobile, playful yet cheerful little one…Eva certainly has changed A LOT.

Well, almost everything about her has changed except for that crop of hair. It’s still as fine and “minimal” as always, which makes her look boyish…until she smiles at least. Few people get it right the first time and almost everyone gleefully announce to me that she must be a boy. Of course it doesn’t help that I dress her up in blue sometimes. But hey, what can I say? She looks good in blue! LOL!

Anyway, for a look at some of the moments captured on video, click here – http://www.youtube.com/eleraine! Coming soon – more updates, reviews and stories on the baby blog!