From the delivery, you could say that I was thwarted and given a brief glimpse of how things would be in the future as a mother. Instead of the natural delivery I had in mind, I got an emergency c-sec after being induced twice and the long 24 hour wait since my water bag broke. Why the c-sec? Because my daughter was awfully relaxed in a complete breech position.

I went through the baby blues in the first week and later on the first month; I remember crying my eyeballs out non-stop whenever Nil had to go home to be with my parents. Although the hospital allowed husbands to stay and come in as and when they like, having my parents around meant that he had to juggle visits to the hospital as well as taking care of them. That coupled with the move stressed him out considerably, which left me alone to manage and cope with being a new mum.

While hospital staff were very helpful, patient and understanding (THANK GOD), it still didn’t stop me from feeling overwhelmed. I knew that part of it was hormonal while the other part of it was irrational but people telling me to just stop because it’s wrong was not helpful. When new mothers suffer from baby blues, the last thing they need is the typical “You should cry coz it’s unhealthy” – we know it; we just want someone to say “It’s okay, things will get better” no matter how shallow or superficial that may sound.

My first week at the hospital was basically me learning how to adapt to Eva – she was a sleeper and while some people may be happy to get one, I wasn’t because sleepers are just that; they sleep and don’t eat much. She was also quite content to sleep in my arms but not in her bassinet and was prone to fussing the moment the sun set. While we managed to get her to sleep in her own crib/moses basket, the fussing carried on well into the first month. At one point it got so bad that we had to break out the car seat and drive around just so she could get some much needed sleep. She was easily startled as well and that coupled with the fact that I was the only one in my house who knew anything about breastfeeding made things even crazier in the first month. The typical Chinese confinement of dressing in long sleeved attire in the middle of summer as well as being under house arrest didn’t make things better and sometimes I would stay up with Eva in my arms just crying.

Things went out of control in France – after we moved out of our Swiss apartment and down to Mazelgirard where Nil’s family home is. I broke down one night after Eva wailed and wailed non-stop. I had no idea what was wrong with her and to make things worse, the two of us (Nil and I) were stressed out over the move so my sis-in-law walked into the room (with me still crying with Eva) and offered to take care of Eva for the night (Nil was mortified to wake up to the sight of his sister comforting me beside him). For the first time, my daughter slept on her own in the dark. In a way, it showed me that Eva was just as stressed out as I was about everything and while I felt like a crappy mother in those initial days, I began to realize that I should maybe drop the comparisions and the worries, and go just with the flow. My negativity about being moved from Switzerland back to Asia and all the possible crappiness that was to come with the move not to mention my loneliness (Nil was staying at our Swiss apartment to handle the handover, clean-up and all) and overwhelming feeling of having to cope with all these things was being mirrored in my daughter and it was the last thing I want for her.

When we arrived in Singapore, we set about to making things better for all of us. We bought a vibrating bouncer which saved us during those fussy nights when Eva was suffering from jetlag as well (that meant that her witching hours were 3am onwards Singapore time!) and invested in a Baby Bjorn as I had read and heard that babywearing helps to settle a fussy baby without hindering the parent’s movement too much. It would seem that things got onto a smooth start and before we knew it, we were looking at a calmer, and well, much more rested baby who seemed happier. Just how much happier, well, we had no idea until she was more active and “awake”. All we knew was that the moment she could smile socially, we had people telling us that she is such a smiley baby.

I started feeling normal again as I could go out, run errands, do my own thing without having to struggle with a young baby in tow. On the breastfeeding front, we were both going strong and I was getting the hang of things – she was putting on weight and well, have a good time on/at the boob. It would seem that things were finally looking up but the smooth ride, you could say, doesn’t last forever.

To be continued…

Other related stories:
Part I

I originally wrote this for a post in the forum and thought I’d share it on my blog as well – for posterity sake as well as to break the monotony of writing reviews on 7-dfbx and the like. So yes, what about marriage?

Well, it takes A LOT of effort to maintain a relationship – both unseen and seen – as well as self-reflection. Self-reflection is important because that’s how we learn more about ourselves and how to tell if we are heading to disaster in our life journey (or not). We are all human and therefore imperfect. We have our up and down days, we have changes coming into our lives and sometimes we change along with it. The key is in communication, teamwork and reflection.

I’ve not been married for very long but I have had the opportunity to think long and hard about my own marriage and how to make it last. Nil and I have gone through a lot and yes, even sometimes to the point where I feel like giving up – not too sure about him though. But we stuck through it all and learn a few of life’s lesson as well. It is lifelong learning process and slow sometimes. Even couples who have been married for long cannot safely say that their marriage is in good shape as anything can happen at any time. For my HB and me, we have changed upon our marriage and then again when Eva came along and we discovered a few things along the way:

Be intimate regularly
Intimacy is not about sex. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that sex is not important. It is but it’s not the only way you can be intimate with your partner. There is physical intimacy like cuddling, kissing, holding hands and there is emotional intimacy. Many cultures around the world speak of the power of a human touch. Notice how children and babies are soothed easily with a hug, a cradle, a smooch and some skin contact. Sometimes when we are down, depressed or just tired, a comforting embrace is all it takes to help pick a person up. Make the effort to reconnect and build some form of intimacy in your life. With a baby, it can be hard but the rewards are worth the effort, especially when you consider that your actions teach your child a thing or two about what to expect when they grow up, start dating and eventually get married. Eva may just be a toddler but her face lights up when she gets a group hug and smooch from my HB and me and especially when she sees us cuddling and smooching. It sets the tone for your child and how they view relationships in the future – that sex and intimacy is key to a healthy relationship. Besides, it’s hard to be and stay angry with someone you hold hands with, kiss or cuddle with.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ll be honest.

I was never a baby-fan…or rather, I just wasn’t a baby magnet. When I see babies, I just freeze and sometimes I think they freeze up too. We would look at each other for a minute or two, try to figure each other out and along the way, either one of us would just give up. It’s like going to the cashiers with a boatload of goods and she stops using the barcode scanner, look you in the eye, you look back and well, nothing clicks. The same happens with children.

Overtime, I begin to tell myself that maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother. I look at some of my friends and my cousins, and they handle children so well. Me? Well, I just freeze. So you have to understand that I really felt that motherhood wasn’t me at all. I don’t understand babies, I have my own little problems and well, I just didn’t see myself as a motherly person. Having said that, it didn’t mean that I didn’t want children – of course I want babies. I just wasn’t quite sure of what sort of parent I wanted to be or if I could handled it all.

Then I got married and when we started talking about raising a family, that got me thinking. I wasn’t quite warmed up to children yet so what more babies? We ventured onward into the unknown anyway. I figured along the way that no one person is born ready to tackle babies. Most of the time, it all boils down to experience and since I didn’t have nieces or nephews to practise on, I was left with just one option (which isn’t even an option) – to practise on my own child. Hah.

When I got pregnant, I realized that this was it. No more chances to experiment. So I did the next best thing – I bought books and read up. One of the most memorable things I remember seeing was this – “Women are pregnant for nine months for a reason and one of it is called preparation”. Preparation here doesn’t mean buying a manual and learning to drive with that manual beside you. What it does is that it give you a certain edge in the fact that you have an idea of what you’re doing and not just jumping into the water blindly. Especially important for a person like me who isn’t all that baby-friendly. Nil often teased me whenever we go for my antenatal check-ups because I never seem to have any questions (because I know what’s common and what’s not OR I’d do some read-up on this test and that test, etc).

For a few months, I ruminated over the kind of mother I wanted to be, the things I wanted to teach my child, the things I wanted them to not pick up at first impulse…many things. I started following blogs of parents I wanted to be like and formulate my own parenthood strategy according to what I read/saw or observed. I remember fondly talking about wanting to breastfeed for at least six months, if not a year. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum for the first two years of my child’s life. I wanted them to learn cooking together with me. I wanted to be those mums who are involved in their children’s life without the appearance of a maid (common in these parts of the world). I wanted a lot, I remember. In that sense, I was quite greedy. *grin*

I forgot that sometimes wanting certain things isn’t always the same as getting them.

To be continued…

Other related stories:
Part II

I don’t know if the word exists but it just best sums up tonight.

For most of you who aren’t aware, our little Eva is turning one this Wednesday and my parents decide to show up this weekend for the big occasion plus they wanted more pics to add to their slide show. Kekeke. So they are a few days earlier but no biggie. We didn’t really plan for a big celebration as we don’t really have a lot of kiddie friends (Eva, that is) and most of our family are abroad. This coupled with the fact that we’re not very big on parties was enough for me to just keep it low-key and limited to family – that is my parents and the three of us.

Initially I wanted to make a cutesy cake with cow toppers to celebrate the fact that she was born in the year of the cow/ox. But this week was crazy at work and consequently, I ended up feeling more tired and stressed out than ever. My nights, which were supposed to be dedicated to making Eva’s cake and working on the shop booties were just used for recovery and recuperation, not to mention the daily laundry and cooking. So I ended up with the idea of making a cheesecake – mango flavoured since she likes mangos (and cheese). Bought everything during lunch on Friday, carted it back and started work on it after she went to bed.

My problem started then. My whipped cream had gone bad so I couldn’t use it. I sent Nil out to look for a replacement only to find that none of the sundry shops nearby stocked it (they have cream cheese though – weird). I goggled some recipes and discovered a few that called for milk and thought that it would fine. So after mixing in some cream cheese and milk, I tossed in some gelatine for good measure. I had a nagging feeling that it was going to fail me since I was only familiar with gelatine sheets and not gelatine powder. But I carried on. As I placed the cheesecake in the fridge to chill, I was quite excited to see the outcome.

The next morning, I checked on it. It wasn’t firm enough. After running a knife though, it looked more like thick cream rather than cheesecake. I added more gelatine and chucked the whole thing in the freezer. After breakfast, I went back to check on it and it looked quite firm so hey, why not place it in the fridge? I did so and forgot all about it until earlier this evening. I was utterly disappointed to see that it was just as it was before I added in the extra bit of gelatine. So I had no choice but to give it some freezer treatment as we headed out for dinner.

When we got back, it was time for Eva’s “dessert” so I removed the cake from the freezer. Total disaster struck here. As I removed the pan from the cake, Nil started yelling “QUICK QUICK” and there it was, my cheesecake starting to flow like slow lava onto the kitchen countertop. And the star of the show was waiting in her high chair. Gah.

She ended up finishing a “slice” of super creamy cheesecake with fresh slices of mango. Just goes to show that as long as it tastes good, babies don’t mind a disastrous cake. Am not too sure if it’ll work with toddlers though.

Since turning 10 months or so, she has started becoming more vocal about what she wants, likes or doesn’t like and so forth. At restaurants, she’d grab hold of the menu and start flipping the pages, but sometimes I suspect it’s more because they resemble books and she just LOVES books. That aside, it is slowly dawning on us that our baby is becoming a little adult already.

Gone are the days when she would placidly smile back, and well, it was easy getting her to do things, even regular stuff like just going for evening walks. If she has had enough or is bored, she makes it clear; in fact, she makes it very clear! So recently, I started digging out a book I have on discipline (I put it aside due to my crazy schedule at home with best acne cleanser reviews and crocheting booties) just to see what I can do to make things comfortable for everyone and by comfort, I also mean that she doesn’t go out of bounds by screaming, throwing tantrums and shouting – something which I find common and would like to avoid.

So far, we are still alright on the quiet, calm and polite grounds but I do foresee a quiet storm brewing in the near future. Looks like we have a little opinionated miss on our hands and in a way, I think that is just fine.

She has Nil’s face, skin and hair colour but my eyes. Her ears are like my dad’s and her toes are from Nil. Her hair thickness is somewhat like mine when I was a baby and her size is well, similar to a baby me.

Ten months on and she no longer looks like the little baby that came out fresh from the bun. She’s leaner thanks to her mobility (natural baby growth and crawling trumps fat-burners any time!) and I’m even shocked to notice that she’s nearly up to my mid-thighs!!! Yes, Mum is definitely going to be the shortest in the family. Hai.

She has a little bit of each of our personality and a whole lot of her own – stubborn as a mule (like Nil) and an ultra big complainer (like me)…talk about a lethal combination! My, how time has flown and our little one is fast growing up into a toddler.

Two more months and she’ll be ONE years old! Acks. Now if only I could freeze time.

Did you know that we’re this close to Eva’s first birthday????

Amidst all the assignments (eczema treatment and fat burners are pretty popular topics for my blog – do you know why?), work and trying to relax, I suddenly realized that we are two months away from someone turning the big one year old! While many mums have started planning big bashes and such, this mum is sort of taking it easy by keeping things a little quiet and well, slow-going.

Of course there’ll be a cake but I haven’t really given it much thought and while my parents have planned to be around during the weekend of her birthday, I guess it’ll just be us and a cake. Talk about ultra small and low-key.

Will this set the tone for many other birthdays to come? We’ll see but for now, I think small and low-key is just fine.

I knew from the moment I first heard this song that it was the right one for my wedding. Bear in mind that I don’t really listen to a whole lot of Christian contemporary music – prefer gospels – but while searching around for that non-cheesy and meaningful wedding song, I chanced upon this one. How exactly, I can’t really remember. I just knew that it was perfect and it spoke of how we came to be.

Now, nearly three years later, as I listen to this song again during my journey to work, I’m gently reminded of the feelings the song evoked, why I chose it and more specifically/importantly, how far my marriage has come and has to continue on. It’s uplifting and well, meaningful, and so I’m sharing the lyrics with you. You can listen to a sample of it here and then there is Youtube. *winks*

When God Made You by Newsong and Natalie Grant

It’s always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when He created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I’ll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I’ll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
So gone are all my questions about why

Oh I wonder what God was thinking when He created you,
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must’ve been thinking about me.

He made the sun, He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can’t do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know its true,
Your for me and i’m for you and my world
Just cant be right without you in my life

He must have heard every prayer I’ve been praying
He must’ve knew everything I would need
When God made you, He must’ve been thinking about me.