…that isn’t about baking, cooking, knitting, dyeing, sewing or spinning.

(Phew, I sure have a lot of hobbies!)

Yup, that’s my son who decided to show up two months before his due date and on a very memorable date too – September 11. Never mind that he shares his birthday with hundreds of other dead people from the NY terrorist attacks (whether it was terrorists or not, I’ll leave that up to conspiracy theorists to decide). More importantly, he shares his birthday with us.

Nil and I first met on September 11 at a train station called Pasar Seni in Kuala Lumpur. It was a Saturday and now, exactly seven years laters (I think – when it comes to dates, my memory is quite fuzzy), we celebrate that day with the showing of our 32 week old!

Being mum to a preemie isn’t easy – you struggle with the guilt, the “emptiness” that surrounds you (you have a baby crib but no baby, you have a baby but nothing tangible to remind you of him/her like their cries, soiled diapers, etc), you have breast milk but it’s a pump that greets you and not a baby, etc) and the constant hospital trips. Sometimes it’s downright depressing but I like to keep my spirits up and focus on the positive side of things.

And these are…

He is gaining weight, he is learning to suckle and latch on and the nurses all love him because he’s such a tranquil baby.

So yeah, normally my FOs are always late or overdue…but this time, it came early and well, caught us by surprise. No matter…at least all is well. *grin* Now, let me go back to my reviews and assignments. I have one on Christmas Cards coming up!

More on the birth story here.

I must be clear – I have always, always…from the moment I discovered that I was pregnant, considered myself a mother first before anything else. To me, my full time job is as a mother and not a worker. But y’d think that after one year of life as a working mother, I’d be fine with it – fine with the fact that my daughter spends most of her waking hours with another person, fine with the fact that I don’t and won’t have much control of what she picks up or learns from that person…

But no.

This week, my office moved and in a way, so did I. I went from spending twenty minutes travelling to and fro work to at least a good forty minutes. This morning, I left the house before Eva woke up. I watch her sleep, carress the hair off her face as she stirred a little and went back to sleeping again. And then I said goodbye, somewhat reluctantly. Chances are for the evenings, I’ll be back a good thirty minutes later. Many of my peers seem to be accepting of such a change but me? I actually felt miserable, so miserable that I spend three nights last week crying and wishing that I could be a stay-at-home mum (SAHM) again. I still feel miserable.

I really hate to accept the fact that my home is now like a hotel more than a home to my daughter, that I only spend less than 35 hours a week with her but more at the office…

Many people tell me that my daughter will still know who I am – the mother – and that sooner or later, I have to cut the apron strings but really, this has precious little to do with that. It has everything to do with how *I* see motherhood and parenting. No offense intended to many parents out there – we have to deal with our own little unique circumstances. For me, I want to be a proactive mother who is there every step of the way in my child’s formative years. To me, the early years are important in establishing not just good eating habits but also strength in character and personality. I don’t like to leave things to “fate” or “they’ll learn it as they get older” – to me, that’s just not good enough.

Sadly, in our culture here, we don’t really support proactive parenting – flexible working hours for industries like mine are not common so lets not even talking about things like coming to work three days in a week. The excuse is that people won’t be productive or worse, some people might abuse the system. We don’t provide enough incentive or benefits to parents, and when we do, single people complain that they are being left out. Honestly, do you think parenthood is the same as being single? How many parents out there can profess to be able to do anything and everything they like without a care in the world or come back in the wee hours of the morning every day?

I haven’t been able to share this openly until now because of existing stereotypical beliefs about the SAHM – that they are uneducated, ignorant, out of touch with the world, are sponging off their spouses, living a life of luxury which is typical of a tai tai and so forth. When I went back to work, the same people try to get me to pass off my duties as a parent to them with the excuse that this is the Asian way of parenting – being a weekend parent, “it’s the duty of the grandmother to take care of the grandchild full time”, so forth. Being a weekend parent, having your parents take care of your child, those are not the Asian way of parenting. It’s just what some people think parenting should be. I wish people didn’t confuse cultural traditions with their own personal beliefs or practices.

For now, I’ll just have to bear with things – and people say that going back to work is fun. Heh.

…is a good due date. Don’t you think so?

For more details, check out our latest exciting news here.

Many mums out there will tell you that those few early years with a toddler is a time peppered with lots of wanted patience, silent frustration and quick weight loss alternatives. You learn to…

…grow eyes at the back of your head,
…sharpened your instincts so that you know trouble is just around the corner when your little bub is silent for more than a minute,
…negotiate and sometimes it can be as if your little bub is a terrorist and unyielding.
…develop a thick skin and that stony face during public episodes of tantrum throwing.
…juggle a family on top of “me” time and if you’re like me, “shop” (own business) time.
…let go and trust that your baby will be back to you when s/he needs you.

Eva is becoming more independent as the days go by, sometimes faster than her 15 month old body can take. In a month, she went from supported walking to unsupported brisk walking and would refuse to hold our hands. She likes to do things her own way sometimes and insist on it to the point where she’d throw a tantrum just to get what she wants. Do we give in? On the contrary. We draw the line between “it’s okay to be yourself” to “it’s not okay to be yourself and get hurt in the process”. Occasionally, I let go, trusts that my daughter knows her limits and come out pleasantly surprised at the knowledge that she does. Often, if she has had enough of playing, walking and climbing, she’d tell us that she wants to go home and wind down for the morning/afternoon/night.

She has her own little agenda, but that’s just it – life with a toddler is never quite boring or the same daily.

Before people here think that having a child in a home is akin to being in a death trap, it’s not. Babyproofing is one thing, training and disciplining your child is another. I have wires and electrical sockets running around free and Eva knows very well that touching them means Mummy is going to scold her and she doesn’t like being scolded. So she stays away from the “no-no” which are wires, sockets, drawers and cabinets.

But now that she’s walking, stumbling and falling are pretty much out of her control. So we’ve decided to babyproof our coffee table and low furniture by using corner protectors. Babyproofing is not like stocking up on Polaris Accessories for your car but more on the simple matter of moving things that are dangerous (eg, can lead to choking, hurt fingers, etc) up and off the ground by 12 inches or more, stashing away cleaning agents, curving off sharp corners and well, make sure that those little curious fingers don’t get caught in door hinges and etc.

It’s that phase in life that every parent goes through and after a while, it’ll be quickly replaced by another. For now, babyproofing is IN!

From the delivery, you could say that I was thwarted and given a brief glimpse of how things would be in the future as a mother. Instead of the natural delivery I had in mind, I got an emergency c-sec after being induced twice and the long 24 hour wait since my water bag broke. Why the c-sec? Because my daughter was awfully relaxed in a complete breech position.

I went through the baby blues in the first week and later on the first month; I remember crying my eyeballs out non-stop whenever Nil had to go home to be with my parents. Although the hospital allowed husbands to stay and come in as and when they like, having my parents around meant that he had to juggle visits to the hospital as well as taking care of them. That coupled with the move stressed him out considerably, which left me alone to manage and cope with being a new mum.

While hospital staff were very helpful, patient and understanding (THANK GOD), it still didn’t stop me from feeling overwhelmed. I knew that part of it was hormonal while the other part of it was irrational but people telling me to just stop because it’s wrong was not helpful. When new mothers suffer from baby blues, the last thing they need is the typical “You should cry coz it’s unhealthy” – we know it; we just want someone to say “It’s okay, things will get better” no matter how shallow or superficial that may sound.

My first week at the hospital was basically me learning how to adapt to Eva – she was a sleeper and while some people may be happy to get one, I wasn’t because sleepers are just that; they sleep and don’t eat much. She was also quite content to sleep in my arms but not in her bassinet and was prone to fussing the moment the sun set. While we managed to get her to sleep in her own crib/moses basket, the fussing carried on well into the first month. At one point it got so bad that we had to break out the car seat and drive around just so she could get some much needed sleep. She was easily startled as well and that coupled with the fact that I was the only one in my house who knew anything about breastfeeding made things even crazier in the first month. The typical Chinese confinement of dressing in long sleeved attire in the middle of summer as well as being under house arrest didn’t make things better and sometimes I would stay up with Eva in my arms just crying.

Things went out of control in France – after we moved out of our Swiss apartment and down to Mazelgirard where Nil’s family home is. I broke down one night after Eva wailed and wailed non-stop. I had no idea what was wrong with her and to make things worse, the two of us (Nil and I) were stressed out over the move so my sis-in-law walked into the room (with me still crying with Eva) and offered to take care of Eva for the night (Nil was mortified to wake up to the sight of his sister comforting me beside him). For the first time, my daughter slept on her own in the dark. In a way, it showed me that Eva was just as stressed out as I was about everything and while I felt like a crappy mother in those initial days, I began to realize that I should maybe drop the comparisions and the worries, and go just with the flow. My negativity about being moved from Switzerland back to Asia and all the possible crappiness that was to come with the move not to mention my loneliness (Nil was staying at our Swiss apartment to handle the handover, clean-up and all) and overwhelming feeling of having to cope with all these things was being mirrored in my daughter and it was the last thing I want for her.

When we arrived in Singapore, we set about to making things better for all of us. We bought a vibrating bouncer which saved us during those fussy nights when Eva was suffering from jetlag as well (that meant that her witching hours were 3am onwards Singapore time!) and invested in a Baby Bjorn as I had read and heard that babywearing helps to settle a fussy baby without hindering the parent’s movement too much. It would seem that things got onto a smooth start and before we knew it, we were looking at a calmer, and well, much more rested baby who seemed happier. Just how much happier, well, we had no idea until she was more active and “awake”. All we knew was that the moment she could smile socially, we had people telling us that she is such a smiley baby.

I started feeling normal again as I could go out, run errands, do my own thing without having to struggle with a young baby in tow. On the breastfeeding front, we were both going strong and I was getting the hang of things – she was putting on weight and well, have a good time on/at the boob. It would seem that things were finally looking up but the smooth ride, you could say, doesn’t last forever.

To be continued…

Other related stories:
Part I

I originally wrote this for a post in the forum and thought I’d share it on my blog as well – for posterity sake as well as to break the monotony of writing reviews on 7-dfbx and the like. So yes, what about marriage?

Well, it takes A LOT of effort to maintain a relationship – both unseen and seen – as well as self-reflection. Self-reflection is important because that’s how we learn more about ourselves and how to tell if we are heading to disaster in our life journey (or not). We are all human and therefore imperfect. We have our up and down days, we have changes coming into our lives and sometimes we change along with it. The key is in communication, teamwork and reflection.

I’ve not been married for very long but I have had the opportunity to think long and hard about my own marriage and how to make it last. Nil and I have gone through a lot and yes, even sometimes to the point where I feel like giving up – not too sure about him though. But we stuck through it all and learn a few of life’s lesson as well. It is lifelong learning process and slow sometimes. Even couples who have been married for long cannot safely say that their marriage is in good shape as anything can happen at any time. For my HB and me, we have changed upon our marriage and then again when Eva came along and we discovered a few things along the way:

Be intimate regularly
Intimacy is not about sex. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that sex is not important. It is but it’s not the only way you can be intimate with your partner. There is physical intimacy like cuddling, kissing, holding hands and there is emotional intimacy. Many cultures around the world speak of the power of a human touch. Notice how children and babies are soothed easily with a hug, a cradle, a smooch and some skin contact. Sometimes when we are down, depressed or just tired, a comforting embrace is all it takes to help pick a person up. Make the effort to reconnect and build some form of intimacy in your life. With a baby, it can be hard but the rewards are worth the effort, especially when you consider that your actions teach your child a thing or two about what to expect when they grow up, start dating and eventually get married. Eva may just be a toddler but her face lights up when she gets a group hug and smooch from my HB and me and especially when she sees us cuddling and smooching. It sets the tone for your child and how they view relationships in the future – that sex and intimacy is key to a healthy relationship. Besides, it’s hard to be and stay angry with someone you hold hands with, kiss or cuddle with.

Continue reading →

I’ll be honest.

I was never a baby-fan…or rather, I just wasn’t a baby magnet. When I see babies, I just freeze and sometimes I think they freeze up too. We would look at each other for a minute or two, try to figure each other out and along the way, either one of us would just give up. It’s like going to the cashiers with a boatload of goods and she stops using the barcode scanner, look you in the eye, you look back and well, nothing clicks. The same happens with children.

Overtime, I begin to tell myself that maybe I’m just not cut out to be a mother. I look at some of my friends and my cousins, and they handle children so well. Me? Well, I just freeze. So you have to understand that I really felt that motherhood wasn’t me at all. I don’t understand babies, I have my own little problems and well, I just didn’t see myself as a motherly person. Having said that, it didn’t mean that I didn’t want children – of course I want babies. I just wasn’t quite sure of what sort of parent I wanted to be or if I could handled it all.

Then I got married and when we started talking about raising a family, that got me thinking. I wasn’t quite warmed up to children yet so what more babies? We ventured onward into the unknown anyway. I figured along the way that no one person is born ready to tackle babies. Most of the time, it all boils down to experience and since I didn’t have nieces or nephews to practise on, I was left with just one option (which isn’t even an option) – to practise on my own child. Hah.

When I got pregnant, I realized that this was it. No more chances to experiment. So I did the next best thing – I bought books and read up. One of the most memorable things I remember seeing was this – “Women are pregnant for nine months for a reason and one of it is called preparation”. Preparation here doesn’t mean buying a manual and learning to drive with that manual beside you. What it does is that it give you a certain edge in the fact that you have an idea of what you’re doing and not just jumping into the water blindly. Especially important for a person like me who isn’t all that baby-friendly. Nil often teased me whenever we go for my antenatal check-ups because I never seem to have any questions (because I know what’s common and what’s not OR I’d do some read-up on this test and that test, etc).

For a few months, I ruminated over the kind of mother I wanted to be, the things I wanted to teach my child, the things I wanted them to not pick up at first impulse…many things. I started following blogs of parents I wanted to be like and formulate my own parenthood strategy according to what I read/saw or observed. I remember fondly talking about wanting to breastfeed for at least six months, if not a year. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum for the first two years of my child’s life. I wanted them to learn cooking together with me. I wanted to be those mums who are involved in their children’s life without the appearance of a maid (common in these parts of the world). I wanted a lot, I remember. In that sense, I was quite greedy. *grin*

I forgot that sometimes wanting certain things isn’t always the same as getting them.

To be continued…

Other related stories:
Part II