Of lately, we have seen a spike in the number of cases related to teenage pregnancies and baby dumping in Malaysia. Just a few days back, a teenage couple became the first in the country to be charged with baby dumping. While the police are quick to blame porn and some outlets of society the failing Malaysian education society, I believe that the problem is multi-faceted and that parents should step up and take a different approach to sex education.

The traditional and long-standing approach to sex education was always technical and more about the bird and the bees. Mothers tackle the mechanics like ovulation and menstruation, fathers of masturbation and the morning erection, later about birth control in our schools in Biology and Science classes but often avoid the ‘what happens wha penis meets a vagina, falls in love and decides to get together’. What happens the morning after? What about love, marriage, one night stands, virginity, homosexuality, pregnancies and so forth? What do you do if your partner doesn’t want to use a condom?

Sex was always preached as “only for married people” and once you were married, all talk of sex behind closed doors went, well, out the window. It is no wonder that young people grow up frustrated and confused. I was lucky that while my parents were traditionalists (“sex only after marriage” camp), my dad took the initiative to talk about sex-related issues because of one reason and one reason alone – “the world she (that is me) lives in now is no longer the same world I lived in”. He moved along with the times, showing that he can adapt to the changing needs of parenthood and so should all parents of all generations.

The world we live in now is no longer the same as the ones we grew up in. Our children will face a different future and different challenges. It is our responsibility not anyone elses or the Government to ensure that we change with the times and that we arm our children with the ability to handle such changes as God-fearing, law abiding citizens with wisdom and character.

While religion offered the “your body is a temple of God and should be reserved for your future partner” (I respect that), some churches actually go all out to talk about prevailing issues on sexuality in relations to religion like pornography, peer pressure, and homosexuality. There is no “porn is bad coz God says sex out of marriage is bad” – I should know as I attended a few of these myself. The aim is not to encourage either but to educate children and allow them to be equipped with some form of knowledge and foundation to the choices (future or present) that they make/go on to make/have made in life.

One of the reasons why I’m not a big advocate of handing full-time care to your child off to someone like your parents or in-laws (typical of our culture) is because it sets the trend and allows parents to be lulled into a false sense of responsibility and ultimately, the habit of passing the buck around. As children reach school going age, the same parents think that the school (and teachers) should teach their children about morals, godliness, and so forth. Then when children reach university, they think that lecturers should continue on where the school and teachers have left off. But the education industry is not a washing machine whereby you put in dirty laundry/children in the morning and expect clean clothes and children in the afternoon. Parenthood is more than just providing a roof over one’s child’s head, food on the table and a degree. It is about passing on a good value system and this can only be achieved by pro-active involvement.

In other words, you have to discuss current sex-related issues with your child whether you like it or not. Gone are the days when parents can get away with descriptions of seeds in flower pots and hoses. Children these days are intelligent and discerning. If they can’t get educated at home, they’ll look somewhere else and chances are, that somewhere else (be it porn, popular media, friends, experimentation) will leave a lasting if not nasty impression.

Being a parent is more than just getting pregnant and giving birth; it is more than just buying your kids fancy toys or sending them to fancy schools. It is about moulding your child to the best of your abilities. That old adage of how children are a reflection of their parents is partly true – it is not a reflection of the parent’s personality but of their involvement and commitment to their own flesh and blood.

A more concised version can be viewed here but otherwise, here is the unedited version:

Dear editor,

I read with interest your article on “Porn a major reason behind baby dumping, say cops” (link here) and would like to share my observations as a former tertiary educator.

Blaming porn for increasing rates of baby dumping and other sex-related ills such as teenage pregnancy is just a short-term solution which at best screams of ignorance. There are a lot of people out there who have access to porn yet do not go through teenage pregnancies or baby dumping. The key is not in micromanaging our children’s lives but educating them to the best of our abilities.

Many young people want and choose to have sex out of love or curiosity – there is no harm in that as they are merely doing what comes naturally. Please do not blame the so-called corrupt West – our neighbour Japan is a large and long-time producer of porn in Asia. Love and sexuality exist in all cultures and communities. However, when teens have sex and are ignorant of the consequences, it is a deadly mix. Excuses like “that one time won’t get me pregnant” or “a condom makes things feel different” is common among teens and these reasons should be looked into closely by both the government and parents.

We need to stop heaping majority of our parental responsibility onto the education system and start taking initiative to teach our children not to just about the birds and the bees but also the emotional aspects of a sexually active lifestyle. We should allow our children to choose the path they take in life and ensure that at the same time they do so responsibly. Our roles as parents encompasses more than just providing a roof over our children’s heads, food on their table and a degree in their achiever’s belt. It means spending time knowing our children and moulding them to be God-fearing, law-abiding, wise and street-smart people who will go on to pass these values to their own children. This can only be achieved by spending more quality time with them and not handing their care (spiritually, mentally and emotionally) off to someone else like a maid.

Our Education Ministry should look into sex education in a more complete manner. Sex is more than just biology. It is an act that encompasses all facets of a human being – mentally, socially, emotionally and even religiously. Instead of adopting one firm stand – that abstinence is the law – the Ministry should address other issues such as what happens if someone chooses to have sex, how to teach girls to stand up and say “Wear a condom if you love me” instead of giving it to their partners and so forth. I have seen many cases in colleges and universities whereby girls have sex because they think it’s the only way to garner love and they have unprotected sex at the insistence of their male partners. They don’t know how to insist for their right or do not feel that it’s important to take care of their own bodies first.

Also, studies into the abstinence program in the US have discovered loopholes in the system mainly that when these teens do eventually have sex, they do not practice safe sex and the matter of keeping the rate of teenage pregnancies in the US is back to square one again. This is something we need to change and change fast. Teachers who teach sex education should talk more about the biological aspect but also discuss prevailing issues related to sexuality and love. Gone are the days when it’s just a simple matter of the birds and the bees. We are not talking about toddlers or young children but teenagers with raging hormones and a smart mind.

Blaming porn or anything else is not the solution. Being more proactive and open-minded is.