Hugs,
aw

As for expectations from others, really, its YOUR life, as I said before, why let others dictate it? I think the most important thing is not what OTHERS think, but what you and Nil think as a couple. Do the both of you feel that you need a job? If yes, go ahead and get a job. If otherwise, why bother with what other people say? They may mean well, but seriously, only the both of you know what’s best for your family.

Auguri!

Just want to let you that I can totally relate with what you’re feeling. Mommies deserve some me time too and husbands are not excused from changing nappies or waking up at night just because they bring home the bacon. Hope you feel cheerio soon.

It is perfectly alright to feel how you feel. Perhaps a support group of ladies and more writing/blogging can help in some ways. Maybe you need to go out and connect with nature (the Singapore botanic gardens? it’s very nice there). I’m no expert in post-natal depression but it could be what you are feeling. Your doctor can help.

Btw, a SAHM is equivalent to two full time jobs because you wake up at night and early mornings to tend to the little one, according to research so this is a valid argument! =)

Being healthy is more important than being stick-thin. Best to exercise for health rather than for a slim figure/good looks. I’m sure Nil loves you just the way you are. I think husbands should also want to be attractive to their wife as well. Dress up for you, not only to please other people. When you are happy with how you look and feel, other people can just shut up. Besides, the Asian mentality on beauty is to be absolutely perfect. How is that possible in this life?

As for husband bringing in the bacon and no need to help with house chores and change the diaper, etc – that is a load of rubbish. Marriage is a partnership between two equals so you are right to feel this is unfair. The Asian mentality is to be a full-time-worker, wife and mother. Do everything for the husband at home. Be a superwoman. I think that is insane and not realistic. It takes two to make a marriage and a family work. In fact, it takes three – God, husband and wife. Children need to see their parents more and I do not think Singapore and Malaysia urban lifestyle allows that.

Btw, having family around is good and they can help with babysitting though perhaps not everyday. I know this is non related to your situation but ideally, grandparents should not raise grandchildren as how they like, rather, listen to how their children want to raise their children and do that. Advice can be given but seriously, they should respect the parents’ wishes on how to raise the little ones.

Lastly, I only like Singapore for shopping and Asian food, but not to live there. I would not want to raise our children there. Too many unrealistic social norms and such pressure to perform, I think. But hey, I suppose Singapore is not a permanent place for you and your family right?

Hugs
Yvette

Having children is a partnership, whether Nil likes it or not, he’ll have to make time to be there for Eva and also get to know her. And I don’t see a problem waking him up in the night to change her diaper, it’s part of parenthood. He didn’t marry you to be a slave (eg cook, clean, have Eva and take care of her 24/7), he married you because he loved you enough to want you to be his partner for life. And that’s just it, partnership …. 50/50. The two differences with both your jobs is that he gets paid and you don’t, AND that you have Eva with you full time. Having someone rely on you for everything really takes a lot of energy from you, it’s comparable to having to take care of elderly people eg one who’s 99 years old.

You have the luxury to see Eva grow, to shape her through love and when the time comes, a strict word or two. Both you and Nil will have to have loads of discussions on how to bring her up … not that mummy says ‘no’ and daddy says ‘yes’. Confusion will reign and poor Eva will not benefit. And who says you’re not working? Apart from all the household chores and bringing up a child, you’re sewing and starting up a shop ….. that is bringing in income. Ok, it’s not as much as a real job will bring in …. but it brings in money and it’s something you enjoy doing. You have the best of both worlds. Being home for Eva, and making use of the talent and creativity you have to help you both financially.

And anyway, are things so bad that only money can solve your problems? I have a SAHM Malaysian friend in Zurich, who has 3 kids. She lives in a 3 room flat and is totally happy with life. Her husband has been offered a promotion twice …. but she has always told her husband not to take it. Is she selfish for stopping her husband from having a better career? Well, her argument is … no matter how much money the promotion brings in, it means her husband will be working longer hours and staying away from home, hence not spending time with her and the kids. To her, family is key. To her, it’s important that her husband shares in parental duties and be there for the children.

What are your priorities? Voice them out. Caring for Eva by yourself is most likely top of it. You don’t want anybody else doing it, cause she’s your daughter and what’s the point in having her if you don’t want to take care of her, right? Working … ? Not priority …. which is totally fine. To heck with what the others say, you have to do what is right for you. And not enjoying life in Singapore, well, then Nil will have something big to think about. An unhappy wife is an unhappy partner, an unhappy home, an unhappy environment. He needs to weigh things properly. He’ll have to get creative and find out ways of making you happy. A marriage is not just something which happens once and you forget about it, it’s something which you’ll have to work at time and time again.

Yes, you are overwhelmed right now. And I can see how this can be just when you’ve had a baby, a new responsibility. Then moving to a new environment and having to deal with so many things at the same time. You are not a machine, you are only human. Which also means you should make sure your health does not deteriorate. Cause if you fall sick, is Nil capable of taking care of Eva?? A partner would have no problems, a stranger yes.

Another thing, your tiredness could also be medical …. just get it checked out. I found out after having Jonas that I lack iron in my system, which now means I take a 80mg supplement everyday. Pregnancy and child birth takes a lot from your body, so if all else fails just get yourself checked out.

And lastly, you’re not alone. Just hang in there. You’ll do what’s right for you!

Big hugs!!!

Try to meet some new friends (maybe fellow expats)? Don’t go back to work unless you are sure that it the right thing for your family. Does your husband actually think that it is necessary?