If you ask me today if I am happy, I would say, “Honestly, no”.
If you asked me yesterday if I was happy, I would say, “Not really”.
If you ask me tomorrow if I would be happy, I would say, “I’m not sure”.
I think I’m slipping fast into some serious postnatal depression. It’s not like I have been going all out to purposely feel depressed. I just feel…overwhelmed yet “forced” into things all the time. I’m constantly angry and what’s worse is that I refuse to be comforted. I would drop one thing today and be angry over another thing tomorrow – a couple of days ago, it was the neighbour’s kids; yesterday, it was how I responded to some questions a recruiter sent over. I’m always tired even though I do get enough rest; it’s like I have an invisible burden on my shoulders and no one seems to be helping me to cope…
After some quiet reflection, I realized that the problem is with me – I’m just not happy with my life.
I’m happy with being a mother but I resent having to go back to work and give her to someone else to take care of, even if it is my parents. I don’t want that – I’m not cut out to be a part-time or weekend mother. Other people can do it but not me. And the whole “you don’t have a choice” reasoning just, well, pisses me off. It’s not like we’re starving and yet people keep telling me that I shouldn’t be a burden onto my husband, “help him carry the financial burden” with adds another reason as to why I am pissed with him. What about him helping me carry the parental burden? Why doesn’t anyone consider that? What is so great about a man who works to bring home the bacon so much so that his wife has to sacrifice her life so that he can get some help? What about the woman who was to cook, clean, care for her children and husband? Doesn’t she deserve to get ANY help?
Why doesn’t anyone screw my husband upside down whenever he stays at the office and leaves me to care for our daugther alone? When he does it day after day after day? Instead, I get people telling me that I should let him sleep through the night, he doesn’t have to wake up to change the diapers and so forth, that I should dress up to impress him and not look like a maid, that I should take fat burners and lose some weight, that I should do ALL the housechores and keep the house clean and tidy so that when he comes home, he can relax… Talk about stupid, biased social expectations that do absolutely nothing but teach a man that he can be lazy and lord over his wife & treat her like a slave, that fatherhood means bring back the bacon and not spending a single ounce of his time with his own daugther…
I already cook, clean and take care of his daugther full-time for him. I sacrificed a well-paying job I loved in order to move to Switzerland where I become a WAHM. Then we decided that I should become a SAHM and now I have to give up being a SAHM just to go back to work again for him? Seriously, I’m feeling quite tired of having to give up more than I want to ALL the time plus the constant plan change is annoying me.
I know it’s weird of me to say this but I hate Singapore. I wasn’t very keen on moving back to Singapore in the first place because I knew how it was going to be like – the noisy, the social & cultural expectations, the whole craziness of it all. I had a taste of it once in Kuala Lumpur and I was somewhat relieved (after some time) to be rid of it while we were in Switzerland. Now that I’m back in this part of the world, I am constantly reminded about what I left behind. I hate how there are so many people, how it’s noisy ALL the time, so noisy that I can’t seem to hear myself think anymore… People shouting on the top of their voices, people talking oh-so-loudly to the person next to them, screaming over the phone, buses zooming past, people reeving up their car engines and motorbikes. Heck, I’m on the 10th floor and I can hear all this clearly. Throng after throngs of people everywhere…it gives me a headache.
Sometimes I really wish we can move back to Europe but then part of me always feels guilty because it would be that Nil would have to find a job all over again and so forth. Then I get angry again – “Why do I have to feel guilty for wanting some shred of happiness? Why do I have to sacrifice my happiness? Why can’t my hubby share the load as well?” – and it bugs me because it’s a neverending cycle. It really feels like I have no more say in anything, that I’m just tagging along and dancing to the whims & fancies of someone else, that I have no control over my life anymore. I read that postnatal depression can hit any time within the first year…am I going through it? Sigh.
Honestly, I don’t think I’m cut out for living in Asia. Unfortunately, it’s where Nil is working. So bah. Perhaps I should see a counsellor or someone about this. Heh.
I don’t think that its post-natal depression, but new country culture shock (even if it is an “old” country for you). Singapore is hard, and I recall having lots of people giving me unwanted advice – like that I have another baby when my younger daughter was a week old, because we would really want a boy (we didn’t). I really, really hated the recruiters there.
Try to meet some new friends (maybe fellow expats)? Don’t go back to work unless you are sure that it the right thing for your family. Does your husband actually think that it is necessary?
I hear you loud and clear, and I understand you totally. It was exactly how I felt when I had Jonas back in 1998, but back then I had no choice because my husband was a student and only working part-time. But as the years past, and after having Niklas in 2004, I’ve noticed how much my hubby has missed out on Jonas’ childhood …. all because of his academic career. It is only after Niklas, that I’ve made it a must for Sebastian to spend time with the boys. Be it just brushing their teeth in the evening before they go to bed, or watching a BarbaPapa short film on YouTube, just the 3 of them. So that they can bond.
Having children is a partnership, whether Nil likes it or not, he’ll have to make time to be there for Eva and also get to know her. And I don’t see a problem waking him up in the night to change her diaper, it’s part of parenthood. He didn’t marry you to be a slave (eg cook, clean, have Eva and take care of her 24/7), he married you because he loved you enough to want you to be his partner for life. And that’s just it, partnership …. 50/50. The two differences with both your jobs is that he gets paid and you don’t, AND that you have Eva with you full time. Having someone rely on you for everything really takes a lot of energy from you, it’s comparable to having to take care of elderly people eg one who’s 99 years old.
You have the luxury to see Eva grow, to shape her through love and when the time comes, a strict word or two. Both you and Nil will have to have loads of discussions on how to bring her up … not that mummy says ‘no’ and daddy says ‘yes’. Confusion will reign and poor Eva will not benefit. And who says you’re not working? Apart from all the household chores and bringing up a child, you’re sewing and starting up a shop ….. that is bringing in income. Ok, it’s not as much as a real job will bring in …. but it brings in money and it’s something you enjoy doing. You have the best of both worlds. Being home for Eva, and making use of the talent and creativity you have to help you both financially.
And anyway, are things so bad that only money can solve your problems? I have a SAHM Malaysian friend in Zurich, who has 3 kids. She lives in a 3 room flat and is totally happy with life. Her husband has been offered a promotion twice …. but she has always told her husband not to take it. Is she selfish for stopping her husband from having a better career? Well, her argument is … no matter how much money the promotion brings in, it means her husband will be working longer hours and staying away from home, hence not spending time with her and the kids. To her, family is key. To her, it’s important that her husband shares in parental duties and be there for the children.
What are your priorities? Voice them out. Caring for Eva by yourself is most likely top of it. You don’t want anybody else doing it, cause she’s your daughter and what’s the point in having her if you don’t want to take care of her, right? Working … ? Not priority …. which is totally fine. To heck with what the others say, you have to do what is right for you. And not enjoying life in Singapore, well, then Nil will have something big to think about. An unhappy wife is an unhappy partner, an unhappy home, an unhappy environment. He needs to weigh things properly. He’ll have to get creative and find out ways of making you happy. A marriage is not just something which happens once and you forget about it, it’s something which you’ll have to work at time and time again.
Yes, you are overwhelmed right now. And I can see how this can be just when you’ve had a baby, a new responsibility. Then moving to a new environment and having to deal with so many things at the same time. You are not a machine, you are only human. Which also means you should make sure your health does not deteriorate. Cause if you fall sick, is Nil capable of taking care of Eva?? A partner would have no problems, a stranger yes.
Another thing, your tiredness could also be medical …. just get it checked out. I found out after having Jonas that I lack iron in my system, which now means I take a 80mg supplement everyday. Pregnancy and child birth takes a lot from your body, so if all else fails just get yourself checked out.
And lastly, you’re not alone. Just hang in there. You’ll do what’s right for you!
Big hugs!!!
you’re not in a good place are you? You could have post natal depression, in which case you need to get to see a Doctor pronto and consider counselling. or you could just be adapting to so many life changes over such a short period of time – new country, new house, new baby, husbands new job …., in which case you should see a Dr and consider anti depressants to replace some of the seratonin you lose when so stressed and consider a counsellor.
You should also write down all the things that are bugging you and try talking to your husband about them. Do you really really need to work? your baby won’t be small for very long. Better to take some crap from your family now than regret not being with her later.
big hugs and I hope things get better x
Hi Mabs
First, a big hug.
It is perfectly alright to feel how you feel. Perhaps a support group of ladies and more writing/blogging can help in some ways. Maybe you need to go out and connect with nature (the Singapore botanic gardens? it’s very nice there). I’m no expert in post-natal depression but it could be what you are feeling. Your doctor can help.
Btw, a SAHM is equivalent to two full time jobs because you wake up at night and early mornings to tend to the little one, according to research so this is a valid argument! =)
Being healthy is more important than being stick-thin. Best to exercise for health rather than for a slim figure/good looks. I’m sure Nil loves you just the way you are. I think husbands should also want to be attractive to their wife as well. Dress up for you, not only to please other people. When you are happy with how you look and feel, other people can just shut up. Besides, the Asian mentality on beauty is to be absolutely perfect. How is that possible in this life?
As for husband bringing in the bacon and no need to help with house chores and change the diaper, etc – that is a load of rubbish. Marriage is a partnership between two equals so you are right to feel this is unfair. The Asian mentality is to be a full-time-worker, wife and mother. Do everything for the husband at home. Be a superwoman. I think that is insane and not realistic. It takes two to make a marriage and a family work. In fact, it takes three – God, husband and wife. Children need to see their parents more and I do not think Singapore and Malaysia urban lifestyle allows that.
Btw, having family around is good and they can help with babysitting though perhaps not everyday. I know this is non related to your situation but ideally, grandparents should not raise grandchildren as how they like, rather, listen to how their children want to raise their children and do that. Advice can be given but seriously, they should respect the parents’ wishes on how to raise the little ones.
Lastly, I only like Singapore for shopping and Asian food, but not to live there. I would not want to raise our children there. Too many unrealistic social norms and such pressure to perform, I think. But hey, I suppose Singapore is not a permanent place for you and your family right?
Hugs
Yvette
Hi! We don’t know each other. I just chanced upon your blog while looking for detergents for my bum genius. Our children were born just a few days apart.
Just want to let you that I can totally relate with what you’re feeling. Mommies deserve some me time too and husbands are not excused from changing nappies or waking up at night just because they bring home the bacon. Hope you feel cheerio soon.
*BIG HUG* Although I don’t have kids yet, I know what you are going through. Initially I resented the idea of living in Italy. I couldn’t speak the language, hence I couldn’t communicate, I missed my family in Malaysia terribly, I missed the Asian food, and most of all, I missed having a “proper” job. Fastforward to one year, I actually *am* learning the language, and slowly adapting to the culture here. There was a lot of resentment on my part initially, but I guess it has dissipated. Things may change once we have a kid, but my HB *touchwood* is the kind who would want to help, only thing (with men :P) is that you’ve GOT TO ASK. Otherwise they’d be blur as sotong. They’re not as intuitive as women are, and hence find it difficult to gauge our feelings or what we’re going through. So now, when I need help, I don’t “brew” inside and WISH that he’d help, but I ASK for help.
As for expectations from others, really, its YOUR life, as I said before, why let others dictate it? I think the most important thing is not what OTHERS think, but what you and Nil think as a couple. Do the both of you feel that you need a job? If yes, go ahead and get a job. If otherwise, why bother with what other people say? They may mean well, but seriously, only the both of you know what’s best for your family.
Auguri!
Mabel, don’t bother what other said you should do what…what,wwhat…listen to your heart. I missed my children childhood and only now I am picking up and my eldest is now 15yo. Listen to your heart…..be brave and strong to take each day at a time,….not easy and this serves to remind myself as well. Being a career woman back to SAHM is not easy yet all other nonsense is “ringing” at your ears….let it out, be it in writing, counselling and talking to friend(s)….take good care of yourself and we are all hear listening to you.
Hugs,
aw