Why do people want to get married? What do they expect from marriage and from each other? What can they contribute to the relationship?

Of lately, I can’t help but wonder if people look at marriage as something akin to jumping onto the bandwagon ( “everyone is doing it” ) or as something that’s only progressive ( “we’ve been together for so long; it’s only right” ) or worse, something that comes with age ( “I’m getting older!” ). What about other things like being accepted into your future in-laws’ family? Like being a good daughter- and sister-in-law among other things? Or do many of us assume that marriage is just about two people? While we do have our own lives to lead, we still should not forget that we have parents and siblings. A marriage isn’t about isolation; it’s about being part of a bigger community. That’s how people socialize and that’s why we have support networks & stuff.

Somehow I get the funny feeling that a lot of women (and men) enter marriage without considering differences in perspectives and ideas. A friend dropped a little list of sorts with questions pertaining to couples about to tie the knot and as I looked through it, I realized that these are some of those little things which many people take for granted.

We can see eye-to-eye on some things with our partners but somehow when it comes to things like career, children, family and money…well, couples just can’t agree on it…sometimes I think they just don’t want to.

In my case, Nil and I have come to terms with certain iffy issues like education, religion, career and home life…concentrating more on children. I suppose being of a different culture does make things a little hard but that’s what married life is all about – putting in effort, patience and understanding. There is going to be a whole lot more out there waiting the both of us – good or bad. Better start getting used to work together!

Anyway, here is the list, reproduced from the ever reknowned talkshow queen, Ms O. Enjoy!

Home
1. What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?
2. Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization? Is one or both of us neat? Messy? A “pack rat?” An organizational wizard?

Money
3. How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

4. What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means, and through what efforts?

5. What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Work
6. How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

7. If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

8. How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?

Sex
9. Am I comfortable giving and receiving love, sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

10. Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Health and Food
11. Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

12. Is each of us happy with the other’s approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Family
13. What place does the other’s family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often? For what length of time?

14. If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have to their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Children
15. Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

16. How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want or be able to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? In the months or years following the birth of our child, will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Community and Friends
17. Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially, and do we need to cut back on such commitments?

18. What are my partner’s needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside of our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Spiritual Life
19. Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

20. Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other’s choices?