Remember Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed? Adult goes back to high school days where s/he was a geek because of some work-related stuff only to relive those memories and perhaps try to overcome them. As much as we like to think that Asian culture protects us from so-called Western influences, high school is very much the same everywhere around the world. Perhaps the only difference is the degree of bullying and ragging that goes on.

Watching the movie today – yes, while knitting and trying to cool down on a very warm night – coupled with Dad’s insistence (he wanted me to join him and Mum in watching old family videos in which I was perhaps 16 or 17) brought memories of my teenager years and how they were marked with more downs than ups, perhaps.

I remember being this un-pretty, un-sociable, un-friendly creature with specs and books in high school, especially during my early years (high school for us consist of five years – you join when you’re 12 and leave when you’re 17 or 18). My hair was never past my shoulders, kept short or trimmed regularly and the only memory I had of being “pretty” was wearing my long straight dark hair in a french braid. I was never slim, although yesterday’s glimpse of the video revealed that I had filled out over these ten years in every way possible.

As I entered my last two years of high school, it become more obvious that I was becoming a nerd. I was surrounded by books and my idea of a good time was sitting under a huge umbrella-like tree with a sketchpad and some pencils OR a book. I could spend hours just passing time under the trees, feeling the wind against my face, flipping over pages…it was joy although people thought I was mousy and boring. It was evident that people thought that when I dressed up once for some social event organized by a club which required the attendance of boys. Suddenly I was “cute” but still not “hot”.

Anyway, I had a few crushes here and there…and they were all on older and intelligent boys. But these boys were just interested in being friends – I was safe and I knew all the pretty girls. Yes, oddly enough, all my friends blossomed into pretty, sweet little flowers. And while they dated and/or flirted, I was busy pining away or playing the nerd.

Fast forward to now…ten years later.

My friends are still pretty, sweet little flowers…and I still look the same. A friend remarked four years ago that I have not changed one bit. Still the same person that I was in school – homey, mousy, cute…and geeky. Well, considering that women my age are usually out clubbing on Friday nights while I’m at home, knitting and watching movies like Never Been Kissed…well, it’s pretty sad, don’t you think? O’well, you can’t have them all and I happen to like staying at home!

Y’know, I like to think that men are less superficial than they would seem to be, that under all those books, specs and “cuteness”, someone would find me attractive enough. I thought that if I couldn’t care less about looks, others would do the same too…and over the years, as it would turn out, looks did nothing for me. I had to know someone well before I could find him insanely attractive. Hence why people give me strange looks when I say I find Le Lapin cute.

But as I grew older, I discovered that men still value appearance above everything else…at least most are like that. Suddenly my weight becomes an issue. My glasses make me look unapproachable. My dressing unattractive…perhaps even frumpy. So I don’t like to reveal my boobs much or less my arms to the whole damn world and I prefer pants over skirts although I do wear them sometimes. And I’m conscious of my weight…all the damn time.

Hm.

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that I’m getting married this year. Is this cold feet?