I need to decide.

Y’know, I think he loves you more than you love him. Don’t take too long to decide if you want to risk it all to be with him. You’re not made for long distance relationships. And knowing you, once you go on another path, Nil will be the last thing on your mind. You need to decide.

In between two jugs of red sangria, this man, Le Jazz, who was once more than a friend told me everything I needed to know. Of course it was more than just what I wrote above but basically the idea was just that: I need to decide.

Distance has a way with relationships, particularly with people who don’t do well with separation and lack of attention. I am one of those people and am not afraid or shy to admit it. I need affection, physical and emotional affection. I need intellectual stimulation. I need to be there for someone I love. So when distance parts me with a loved one, it makes things harder – needs get shoved aside or worse, it gets fulfilled through another way.

To make matters worse, I have just been told that I am a born flirt who has a way with words; “flirtatous and tactful” was how he put it. Put me together with a man whom I find insanely attractive, some booze and all hell will break loose.

Part of me worries that if this keeps up – the distance, the distractions and so forth – I will slowly begin to find fault with Nil and worse, fall out of love with him which I don’t. I may profess to be attracted to another person but my heart will never feel anything for him. Nevertheless, the one thing that I cannot deny is this: sometimes the mind has a way of manipulating the heart and soul to fulfill certain needs. So if two people who are attracted to each other were placed together in the same room, it is only safe to assume that something will happen. Not the kind that you’re thinking of, but it’ll be something that is enough to trigger a reaction from everyone.

And I don’t want it to. I want to be in love with one man forever…this man. Deep down inside, I just want to be with him; I just want to eliminate the distance factor. With it out of the picture, everything will become right again…as it used to be before we ran into this roadblock.

I miss him. A lot. Too much. It hurts. No one can ever be quite like him.

I used to think that giving myself six months or more to decide would be enough but I realized yesterday that it’s not good enough. I need to know now…otherwise I risk losing the one person who is good for and to me.

Now…now would definitely be a good time.

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