in·fat·u·a·tion (n.)
1. A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction.
2. An object of extravagant, short-lived passion.

I have been infatuated with someone of lately. Actually, I don’t even know if I should call it an infatuation because I don’t really see a possible outcome in the whole thing. Why? Well, it’s very obvious. He’s happily attached and so am I (although I think Nil is infuriated at the thought of me going cow-eyed over someone else!).

This whole thing is foolish really. I mean it doesn’t and won’t go anywhere plus it’s ultra short-lived. Infatuations remind me of stuff you see in the movies where a little boy has an uber crush on his school teacher and is all shy and everything when he’s around her which people smile, laugh a little and say it’s cute.

Except that I’m not exactly shy, I’m hardly little and it’s not cute.

In actuality, it’s VERY embarassing, especially when the object of your infatuation drops by in your dreams every so often and you have to speak to the guy the very next day. Everything would be fine and dandy if the dreams are mundane but usually, they aren’t. They are…*gulp*…so very “Ally in the car wash with a stranger”….sometimes. I can’t believe I just admitted to that.

Anyway, me being who I am decided to be honest about the whole thing. It was driving me nuts – all this infatuation business – not because we were always talking and stuff but because I needed to get it out of my system. I have always been like this. If I like someone, they would always be the first to know. I don’t play games, I don’t play coy and I certainly don’t believe in the whole “let them find out themselves”. I wanted to nip this in the bud before it ever developed a chance of becoming bigger than what it was – just…”admiration” for someone who reminded me so much about Nil.

Nil thinks I’m making a big deal out of things, whereas I…well, I don’t even know what I was thinking at that time. I could have easily not said a thing but…I couldn’t either. Come to think of it, this isn’t really “foolish, extravagant passion”…I think. I just like talking to Him. He makes me laugh, smile and He listens to me rant about work. Heh. Truth be told, He reminds me a lot of Nil whom I miss terribly. Okay, I better stop. I sound horrible. =.=

I guess I was just being my old self (read: think high school) when I said what I said. I wasn’t exactly specific but seriously, how vague is “I have a crush on Him”? I don’t expect anything but just friendship. Sure, He’s cute in His way but I don’t love Him. I like Him as a friend.

I’m getting a headache from all this. It’s not supposed to be this complicated. I’m in love with my boyfriend and I find another man attractive. What’s wrong with that? I didn’t say I wanted anything from Him. I just said that I have a crush on Him and frankly, to me, a crush is the equivalent of finding someone attractive.

THAT IS ALL THERE IS TO IT. Honestly.

I can’t believe this. Nil is scared of losing me. Great. Heh. DO I LOOK DUMB ENOUGH TO DUMP SOMEONE GOOD for someone I have never even met even though He seems like a really nice guy?

Bah.

This is so embarassing.

=.=