Picture this happening to your good self. (I think it already has happened to a few people out there but don’t mind me. I just needed to talk about this because this is one question that I’ve been asked like ten times from the middle of last year till now.)
Friend: I’m getting married in (this month/this place/whatever). It’s confirmed. What about you? When’s your turn?
Friend: Eh? How come?
Me: Like that la. Don’t know. Not ready. It can be a lot of things.
Friend: You’ve been going out for over a year already no?
Me: So? Don’t know means don’t know leh.
(Some responses were alright, polite and respectful. Others, like this, were downright rant-worthy.)
And then I get this long ackward pause irrespective of whether the conversation took place online or offline. Sometimes I have this really funny feeling that I’m getting huge bouts of sympathy or pity (whatever it may be) from these “lucky” folks.
Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t begrudge these people for embarking on a new facet of their journey in life whereas I have yet to make that move. Neither am I jealous. I just wish people would stop expecting that every single other person out there in a functioning relationship would take the same journey the same way that they have.
Yes, I have been with Nil for more than a year – one year, three months and 25 days to be exact. Yes, we do want to get married to each other and I’m not just living in my dreamworld by assuming that he wants it too.
And your point being?
I am very sure that people DO know that there are other things apart from the length of a relationship that brings about a marriage. Finances, security, etc. It isn’t as easy as “you’ve been going out for a year now; what you waiting for?” (Don’t know how in the world people ever thought that was the case.)
In my case, it is because 1) Nil will be relocating back to France in a few months’ time, 2) that means financial instability for him since he will be looking for a new job, 3) he won’t know if that look will lead him out of France, and 4) I’m not ready for such a move (my French is hardly up to standard and looking for job with little to absolutely no knowledge of French in France is akin to harikiri).
I get some people who tell me to just go ahead and tie the knot. “Seal the bond” they say. I could always live in M’sia while he goes on his merry way in France looking for some form of employment. But why? So the first few months of what is supposed to be marital bliss be spend apart from my husband while he goes on his search, under more pressure to find ANY job?
And then there are some people who ask me to tag along with Nil when he relocates AND get married to him then. But why? I’ll only be a burden to him while he hunts for a job. Bear in mind that two unemployed people living on the savings is stretching it and savings DO NOT last forever.
Nil doesn’t want me to be his wife while he is unemployed. He doesn’t want to burden me neither does he want me to ‘suffer’. I have a job here. I have the comforts of home here. I have financial independence now. He doesn’t want me to trade all that just at an insecure whim. He wants to provide the best for me.
And I respect that.
What I do not respect is people telling me things like “he’ll leave you if you don’t marry him”, “good luck to you la” or better still “it won’t last”. Geezuz, are these people my fucking friends or what? I mean I’m bloody supportive about them getting married. I trust that they are making the right decision and that they know what they are getting themselves into. As a matter of fact, I AM THRILLED for them.
Why can’t these people do the same for me instead of saying things like that?
Do they honestly think it’s easy facing the prospects of a long distance relationship? That I’m having a good time even thinking about it?
People just don’t get it sometimes. Wanting to get married is easier than actually getting married. Talking about it makes it even cheaper. I have my own reasons; WE have our own reasons…people need to respect that just as how I respected them enough to say things like “congratulations” and not fucking “good luck”.
Sometimes, I wish I had the guts to say all this instead of blabbering “I don’t know” to that STUPID question.
(Asians are so damn bloody kaypoh man. Don’t see my French/American pals asking me when I’m getting hitched.)