Feeling uncertain…

One of the biggest news, for me anyway, arrived on yesterday. Not over the phone. Not face-to-face but over MSN. Perhaps it was a sign of things to come. I didn’t see it then; looking back now it was pretty obvious but what the heck.

We, especially me, knew that this day would come and yet, I had always hope that the date on his contract would somehow miraciously change itself to the end of next year. Nil’s last day with his current workplace will be 18th June 2006. After that, he’ll be leaving for France alone, in hopes of finding a job there. It’s tough for him because as is it, it was the fact that he was unemployed for a heck of a long time in France that drove him to work in Singapore (which snowballed into a chain of events that finally lead to us meeting up and dating). As much as I fully want to support his decision, I can’t help but feel insecure about the whole thing (thus limited my support to like…50%, maybe).

My own painful brush with LDR – especially super LDRs that involve more than an overnight train ride – has made me somewhat hesistant about jumping into an LDR now. I never saw my relationship with Nil as an LDR, because we met up once a week (like a lot of couples), we talk over the phone in the same timezone and well…it just didn’t feel like an LDR. I mean, how could it be when your partner says “I’ll see you again next week” and you know he/she is going to do just that?

It is not because I don’t trust Nil – I trust him a lot (besides, in Singapore, I know who he hangs out with and they happened to be people I know and trust too) BUT I am also aware of the fact that sometimes trust just isn’t enough in a LDR because of one factor alone: change. My previous LDR made me realize that people DO change and that sometimes they change for the worse. People DO drift apart, people DO meet other people and people DO fall out of love.

*sighs*

I just don’t want to have to go through the misery of never hearing from my boyfriend, never getting any attention, never feeling as if I’m someone’s girlfriend… (In my previous LDR, towards the end of it, I jokingly told my best friend that it felt as if I was just a single gal like her. I don’t want to have to say that again.)

I know it’s hard for Nil too – the pressure of having to find a job and wondering if the girlfriend still loves him…but hey, the latter works both ways too and while he looks like he’s looking forward to going back…I’m not. At all. Not looking forward to saying goodbye at the airport and crying my eyeballs out and being in a super duper LDR.

*sighs*

Blarg.

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4 Comments

  1. 🙁 i know what that feels like and i dont know how much of my advice or more like a sharing of my experience will help u but, like i have many times, although ppl change u can only hope n pray they change for the better and if u both want this relationship to work out fine, u’ll BOTH have to work hard at keeping it alive.

    i know u’ve had LDRs b4 but no one relationship is the same. even when i had an ‘overseas’ (penang) bf, he changed for the worst too…far far worst. i guess i subsconsciously didnt want it anymore which also most probably contributed to us drifting apart anyway. ted & i had MANY hard times trying to keep this going, i’m glad we’ve ended up exactly where we both want to be.

    here’s wishing that things go well with u n Nil when he returns home. *hugs*

  2. Sorry about the late reply – was busy NaNo-ing with a tummyache. 🙁 But you know what? Thanks guys for the hugs and words of comfort.

    Yvy: Congrats and I hope I’ll be as happy as you are (if not more!) some day (not that I’m unhappy now…but you know la). Btw, when you putting up pictures ar? :d

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