It’s been slightly over a year now, since Nil and I got together and closer to the day that he’ll make it back to his home country, the big F. Honestly, I’ve been dreading that day. (Well, I just realized that he isn’t exactly gung-ho about the idea too. Just that me? I’m more vocal about it.)
And that’s when my stupid past begins to rear its ugly head at me.
Worry that it will never last. Worry that he’ll find someone new. Worry that I’ll have to start all over again.
I love Nil. I want to be married to him and have his babies. But I’m also aware that people DO change and that distance (plus time) does have an impact on a long distance relationship. I’m hardly prepared for the idea of him leaving, let alone the fact that he is to leave and in six months’ time. Many people tell me that it’ll be fine but I can’t help but wonder if they are true and that I’m just being overly paranoid or that I’m right and that they are just in denial.
Two nights ago, I dreamt that Nil got down on his knees, and popped the question. (Does and will it mean more than what it seems to be?) Two days later, I wondered to myself if that will ever happen.
I still think about it sometimes.
Will we ever get married? Will we ever grow old together? Will it ever lead to something more than what it is already?
One of my secondary school mates is tying the knot end of this year after a three year courtship. Blame me for starting off late…actually, finding Nil this late in my life. I had to go through some shitty relationships before finding The One. Or at least I seem to think of him as The One. I feel the age, pressure and pinch catching up with me. I dread being asked “when is your turn ar?” next year during CNY and dread giving the same ole’ excuse over and over again.
I mean, I know my worth but it sure is a lonely battle out there. (I might just skip CNY and run away to another country.)
This is, honestly, shitty. End of the year blues, coupled with that whole new year resolutions thingie and not to mention the whole parents going “are you guys serious about each other?” bit.
This is so frustrating…yet scary.